the morning started out odd when I woke up to no Mr. Gaunt. He had fallen asleep on the couch. I made coffee in my new coffee maker, which is so nice to have. From there things just got blah.
In the past week I have gotten overly excited about babies. Babies and Weddings. At this moment I have neither, at this moment I would like both. I am very very excited to have babies, and so is Mr. Gaunt for that matter, we just have to wait a little while longer. I told myself I want to be skinny for at least a full year before I got pregnant, and in that year I would like to get married.
We are not engaged, we are engaged to be engaged. (=
So this morning I was entertaining myself with one of my secret guilty pleasures (shh dont tell) http://www.babynames.com, picking through the ones I like and asking Mr. Gaunt for his opinions. And although this always brings me joy, it eventually brings me to worries (oh did you not know that I’m a worrier?) about everything that babies and weddings might bring. Money, house, time, jobs, my weight…the list goes on. So here I am 10am and I’m in a funk.
Then football comes on. I hate sports, all of them. I actually really dont mind playing sports, but watching sports…yuck! So the game is on and Mr. Gaunt is fully engrossed, and I sit and worry. Later I call my mom to just chat, but she is having some vehicle freak out and can’t talk. I hang up and worry about her too.
Around two I take a shower and weigh myself. Things have looked better. I stare in the mirror and pull at loose skin and think how I wish I looked better naked. How I don’t want to eat for the rest of the day because I have weigh in tomorrow. Im irritated that my body looks like this and that every week I have to step on a stupid scale. I am now pissed that I am not more appreciative of my weight loss. I go to get dressed and can only find one bra with a broken underwire. I pull on a hoodie to hide my bra-less boobs.
We go to Target to get pictures printed for our Christmas cards. I decide that I MUST purchase a new bra. I grab 8 bras and head to the fitting room, I am only allowed 6. I grab 38 C’s and 36 C’s. None of them fit. The fitting room lady looks pissed when I hand her 6 bras that are all hung wrong on the hangers. I call Mr. Gaunt and tell him how upset I am that I can’t find a bra and he comes to find me. I show him all the cute little colorful bras I want to buy and tell him they don’t fit. They are all too big or too small or dig into my back fat or pinch or sag. I hate them all. I then show him the old lady bras with the thick straps and thick sides. I grab a 36 C and take it to the fitting room It is cream and lacey and ugly, it fits perfect, I buy it.
We have to go pick up my car at Mr. Gaunt’s mom’s house. We stop at Taco bell where I want a Chicken Fresco soft taco. I order the burrito on accident and it has cheese and refried beans (which I hate) and I cry and refuse to eat it. When we get to his mom’s house we go upstairs where she is looking on the computer at my blog. She tells me I looked unhappy in my fat pictures but happy in my newer skinny pictures. I am sad that we are talking about me being fat, and even sadder that I feel unhappy right now. I cry more and we hug.
I have to drive my car home by myself and my windows are dirty so the lights of the oncoming traffic blurs my view. I talk to Mr. Gaunt in the car behind me as we drive home. I feel safe knowing he is driving right behind me.
When we get home I try on new clothes that Pro gave me. The two pairs of pants that should fit are too big, but the dress looks pretty. I get a text from Kelli telling me how much she weighs, inspired by my previous post, she weighs less than I do. I am sad and happy. For a minute I want to tell her so bad what I weigh but I don’t. I am ashamed. I wont lie.
I talk to my mom again and we make summer plans to go to the island where my family had a cabin. I am excited and worried. Im afraid these plans wont come true. I miss home. I get off the phone with her and feel a little better. I check my blog updates and see a post from Nie Nie, one of my favorite blogs. An article has been written about her journey over the last year of recovering from a plane crash with 85% of her body burned. I want to cry for her. I am so happy for this woman I don’t even know, that she is alive today and although her body isn’t what she wants, it’s what she has. She can hold her babies and kiss her husband. And I know that my day wasnt that hard.
oh morgan! i’m so glad to know you have days like i do! if you need someone to talk to, you can always give me a call 🙂
Ummm I don’t know what it is, exactly…but I think this one of my favorite posts from you. There’s something about the way you wrote it – it was disheartening and frustrating but I *knew* it was going to end on a happy/grateful note 🙂
I know you had such a hard day; I wish you would have called to talk – if you needed to. Everyone has hard days…yours unfortunately, was exceptionally so. You are doing so well…I’m sorry it’s harder to see on some days than others. Yesterday was one of those days for you.
I’m glad things ended semi-well for you…tomorrow (today) is a new day and things will be better. I promise.
I agree with Pro, this was one of my favorite posts. Very honest and reflective.
Sometimes blogs, especially goal oriented blogs, can feel a bit forced, like we SHOULD be so proud of our successes (who wants to read us be sad all the time?), however we dont always feel PROUD and we dont always feel HAPPY.
It is important to allow ourselves to feel sad and upset and overwhelmed as well as feel proud and accomplished. We arent sad all of the time, but sometimes we are, we’re human, and we should feel ok sharing that side of us with people.
You are a weight loss/cheftastic/crafty superhero, in my opinion, but even superheros have bad days. 🙂
Love you and miss you.
oh, and I totally posted that last comment sign in with my class project account, not my personal one… ha so I’m elp550. 🙂
I love you honey! so sorry I couldn’t talk the first time ( anti-freeze was spewing into the car at that very moment), but I’m glad we talked later. I felt better and excited after talking to you about the vacation plans. I will make it happen!!! love you lots, Mom