Gotta Get Down On

ha! You know you love it!

Today is pay day! I’m going after work to get my eyebrows waxed as they need it sooooo bad.

I need new Yoga Capris, as the ones I have are the fold over waste band kind, and they are way too big. However I have been to a few stores and been unable to find anything I like. Seems there is a lot of spandex out there….gah. Today I might try Old Navy.

I havent decided what my workout is going to be today. A small part of me might like to skip it as I do have a number of errands I need to do, and I would like to clean the house really good. We will see.

My BFF (and Maid of Honor) is coming up for the weekend! Yay!! This will mark the 4th time I have seen her since I moved back, that’s amazing! I use to only see her like every six months, lame. Shes going to show me some weight lifting things she learned from a  class she took. I’m desperate to get rid of reduce my chicken wing arms!

Lastly for the month I am down 11 Pounds. I only have 3 pounds to lose by the end of May, must keep going!

Alright now time for shower, then coffee, then work.

I leave you with this picture of a kitten that makes my heart burst! There is a lost cat sign on one of my routes downtown, and I tear up when I have to walk past it….sooo sad.

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Friends?

I think once you are out of school, Making, Having and Keeping friends is one of the hardest things in life.

It is definitely something I have struggled with over the last 8 years since I graduated High School (jeeze). Especially now that most of my friends are in relationships, working, and even having kids. It becomes harder and harder the more we have going on in our lives.

And why is it so hard?

I guess part of it is that we are busy, and its easier to just come home and sit on the couch with the people you are comfortable with. Not have to “make conversation” or “find things in common” its just chill and easy.

Another thing is Lifestyle. When you are in highschool, besides your home life, you and all your friends are pretty much living the same lifestyle. Same schedule, same goals, same shit going on. As we all get older, our lifestyles change greatly. I have friends that are married, some with kids, some without. I have friends in School, some with jobs, some without. I have Gay friends, and straight friends. I have friends who are living off their parents, or spouses, or the government. I have friends who love their jobs, who hate their jobs, and friends without jobs. I have friends who have a strong relationship with god, or with community service, or with travel. Very few friends are living the same life style. Even when it comes down to little things like food. I have friends who only eat Vegan, or Organic, or are Red Meat loving folks.

All these different lifestyle make it confusing to mesh together. What will you talk about? Where will you go? What will you eat?

And the judgemet….ooooh the judgement. Not that we are all judging each other necessarily, but we judge ourselves amongst these people who live differently. They are richer. They eat organic, they are better. They have a happier relationship. Their house is nicer. They actually like their job. It becomes a total head game of “how do I compare” which makes any and all social encouters….awkward.

And then there are the spouses. Just because we are friends, does that mean our spouses have to be friends too? Should we always double date? Should there be a BroMance here? And if there’s not….is it awkward?

Right now I feel torn. I am no longer a Party Girl. I do not really have parties, and I do not really go out partying. However I do like a once a month or every few months, go all out getting drunk at the bar night. And I miss that. I miss getting dressed up, and dancing! Often times though I feel like my friends who want to do that don’t necessarily understand the crossing of the line. They want to get shit faced 3 nights a week, or hit on guys, or just make a fool of themselves. Which is FINE, I’m just not in that place anymore. I want the occasional Party Girl, not the Party Life.

Now that I am getting married, and have babies on the brain, I desperately want to belong in the “mommy crowd” too! And not just the mommy crowd, but the wife crowd. Women who are also a bit settled down. Women who want to sit around and watch a good Rom-Com with some wine and eat fun cheese. I want women who will gossip with me about clothing and gardening and weight loss, and holidays! Women who are into their homes, or their yards, or trashy celebrity gossip! I want a friend who will come over and do henna tattoos while we jam out to Britney Spears! IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK FOR?!!

Whoa. Calm down.

But I don’t have kids yet, so I know that puts a big kink in things. As people who have kids want to talk about their kids, and people who don’t have kids, do want to necessarily hear you talk about your kids.

But seriously. I WANT to be social. I want to re connect with my old friends and make new ones too! I want to be brave enough to invite people over for dinner (despite the fact that we may eat differently) or game nights! I want to feel comfortable in my own skin, in my house, or anywhere. I want to say YES to invitations to go places, and NO to sitting at home alone!

So that’s where I’m at. It’s hard to be social. It’s hard to be ok with yourself and with your friends. It’s hard to break out of your shell. I promise I’m working on it….really.

Does anyone else find this whole friend thing difficult?

The Heat Is On

HOW TO HAVE A PERFECT SATURDAY:

1. Start with 86 degree weather, and Breakfast at Merles in Littleton, including a fruit and yogurt cup in Margarita Glass.

2. Hitting up MULTIPLE Goodwills & Savers.

3. Finding cute summer clothes

4. Mr. Gaunt finding a brand new golf bag and gently used clubs for $10!

5. Finding the complete Planet Earth Series on DVD for $9!

6. Buy a new Bocce Ball Set at Target!

7. Have a yummy Salad (spinach, blueberries, strawberries, grilled chicken, goat cheese) and Carrot cake from Super Target’s Deli!

8. Take a walk through the landscaping job Mr. Gaunt did last week.

9. Meet up with Jenny and Justin and Liam to play Bocce Ball in the park

10. Watch Liam really walk around, and then make you muffins on his tool table.

10. Fight against the wind, It made the 86 degree weather  little more bearable!

11. BBQ with Friends

12. Drink Bud Light Lime

13. Love your love.

14. Watch Liam Blow his own bubbles!


Still this fat.

GAP: Shirt $4.99 Pants $11.99

Yesterday I went to the Gap to browse their Clearance, I don’t even bother looking at the regular or Sale priced items…I just want Clearance. I really love the gap, well occasionally they have a bad season, but who doesn’t?  As I was trying on clothes, I really got to thinking about what exactly my style of clothing is, and how I feel about my body.

Old Navy $15

I have found it a little confusing to shop these days. For one thing, I was really hoping to weigh 25 pounds less right now (although I’m never quite sure I would even be happy there) and my body is sort of awkward. technically I am smaller than I was in highschool, but I would not say my body is the same. Unfortunately my skin isn’t quite as elastic as one would hope, and everything is sort of…soft. I’d say my legs, upper arms, and torso are the worst culprits.  And now when I want to wear a skirt and tank top, it’s all I can do to not sit there and poke and jiggle my saggy arms. Sure that skirt looks ok standing there, but sit down and the thighs are dimpled.

I tried on a bathing suit at Target the other day and wanted to cry (bathing suit shopping is the devil!). My legs LOOK like they have lost weight. No I don’t mean smaller, I mean they look like if you deflated a balloon and the rubber never really returned to its original size, sliding, sagging, puckering. Now I’m on the hunt for some sort of skirt like bathing suit, I don’t even care if it’s the Grandma Style!

My friend Jason wanted me and Mr. Gaunt to go with him to a water slide park this summer with his new TINY girlfriend. I told him I didn’t like water parks (which is tough to say because I havent been to one in 10+ years) but really in my head I was thinking Yeah right! I would rather chew off my own face than stand next to your 5’2″ 100 lb girlfriend in her tiny bikini! NO THANKS! It’s tough to say whether he would even care about my not so adorable bathing suit body. But I care.

I’ve had a few major self esteem meltdowns recently. More than I have had in a long time. I had a co-worker tell me recently how he HATES FAT PEOPLE because they are lazy, and if he ever started to gain any weight he would just work out. He told this to me in a way that meant Don’t you agree? And I stood there thinking, does he not think I am fat (although I have many times seen him point at girls smaller than me and claim they are too chunky) or is he secretly trying to tell me he hates me (I kind of think we are friends)  or does he just not think before he speaks. Its like when you hear people spew a “weight” without thinking: “Yeah, and this girl probably weighed like 200 pounds, she was HUGE” and you are standing there, weighing 200 lbs and you think: Oh really, was she as huge as me?

I know some people are just stupid and ignorant about weight issues, especially ones that have never dealt with any. But its hard to be around them, its hard to feel like everyone isnt judging you all the time. Its hard not to feel like the fattest person in the room.

I want to be proud of the weight I have lost, but I find myself avoiding telling people that I lost weight. Ashamed that I was once that size. Ashamed to say “I lost 75lbs, and yes I’m STILL this fat”

And my friends who have also lost weight, who are smaller than me and STILL not happy with themselves. I don’t want to be the fattest person I know, but you have got to stop obsessing! Please be happy with who you are! Please don’t use me as your self esteem booster, look I get to pass my fat pants on to Morgan. I’m trying so hard to love myself and be ok.

Mom and Me

And I miss my mom and my friends terribly. My mom has never in a million years made me feel anything but perfect, and no one has rooted harder for me during my weight loss. Being with her makes me feel beautiful and normal. And my dear friends who I stand next to and feel comfortable with myself, even the ones that are smaller than me. Who all say such sweet things to me, and would never let stupid things slip out of their mouths about my weight. Girls that I would stand next to in a bathing suit, even if I know they look better than me.

I miss that love and support. I wish I could be with them. I wish I could feel ok about myself. I wish I didn’t work with idiots. I wish I was with my mom and this Mother’s Day. I hope she knows how much she means to me.

Im Spoiled

With the best friends in the world. Seriously! Besdies the fact that I love Washington and my family, the thing I miss the most is having such a close group of girl friends. Friends to have dinner with, talk relationships, get drunk. Oh how I miss these girls so!

Dann, Mal, Kells, and Me

My trip to Washington (last weekend) was mighty splendid. I’ll save you the pain of scrolling through (over 350) pictures and just post special ones over the next few posts. Lots of food and family good times. I had such a great time with my friends, I love them all so dearly. I just really cant explain how sweet they all are and how much they mean to me (but I will try):

Mal- I really love that the older we get the closer we get. I love that we are in such similar places in our lives, and that we came from such similar places. I love that you know everything about my past, and present. Growing up I felt like we always had little teenage rifts, but now as adults in healthy relationships, I love that I have someone to talk to about my life, who understands. I can’t wait until we get to help plan each others weddings, and be moms together! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!

Kells- Although I am secretly jealous that you look so damn skinny, I’m so proud of you! It’s nice having someone along for the (somewhat painful) ride. I know we are in much different places right now, and that maybe we don’t have the same plans for the future, but you will always be my tattoo twin (one of them) and my inspiration. I hope all things with school, love, job, and family come together for you this summer (an forever). I miss seeing you on a regular basis, I can’t wait for you and mal and me to live in the same city again!

Hil- I always forget how damn pleasing you are! How I wish we lived closer so we could hang out more! I love that you and Coral seem so cute and happy together (you both deserve it). I’m so impressed that you have gotten your shit together and have a REAL job…lol! I always knew you would! Many more dinner partie with you and Coral and Manda need to happen in the future! Love you!

Manda-Panda – I think this weekend was one of the best I have had with you! God you are so much fun! A perfect hostess and a prefect drinking partner! Thank you for letting us take over your kitchen (and thank Chris for letting the ladies take over his house). I’m so glad our friendship has withstood the test of time, too many more ladies night in the future!

Dann- Look a picture with you! I know you hate it, but it really means a lot to have a picture of us. Thank you for being so consistent, always being there, always caring. Thank you for still loving me even though I forget to call you back, and I have promised to move back to you more times than I can count. Thank you for always reminding me of the fun we had as teenagers. I miss you more than you could know!