What I Call “a hard day”

the morning started out odd when I woke up to no Mr. Gaunt. He had fallen asleep on the couch. I made coffee in my new coffee maker, which is so nice to have. From there things just got blah.

In the past week I have gotten overly excited about babies. Babies and Weddings. At this moment I have neither, at this moment I would like both. I am very very excited to have babies, and so is Mr. Gaunt for that matter, we just have to wait a little while longer. I told myself I want to be skinny for at least a full year before I got pregnant, and in that year I would like to get married.

We are not engaged, we are engaged to be engaged. (=

So this morning I was entertaining myself with one of my secret guilty pleasures (shh dont tell) http://www.babynames.com, picking through the ones I like and asking Mr. Gaunt for his opinions. And although this always brings me joy, it eventually brings me to worries (oh did you not know that I’m a worrier?) about everything that babies and weddings might bring. Money, house, time, jobs, my weight…the list goes on. So here I am 10am and I’m in a funk.

Then football comes on. I hate sports, all of them. I actually really dont mind playing sports, but watching sports…yuck! So the game is on and Mr. Gaunt is fully engrossed, and I sit and worry. Later I call my mom to just chat, but she is having some vehicle freak out and can’t talk. I hang up and worry about her too.

Around two I take a shower and weigh myself. Things have looked better. I stare in the mirror and pull at loose skin and think how I wish I looked better naked. How I don’t want to eat for the rest of the day because I have weigh in tomorrow. Im irritated that my body looks like this and that every week I have to step on a stupid scale. I am now pissed that I am not more appreciative of my weight loss. I go to get dressed and can only find one bra with a broken underwire. I pull on a hoodie to hide my bra-less boobs.

We go to Target to get pictures printed for our Christmas cards. I decide that I MUST purchase a new bra. I grab 8 bras and head to the fitting room, I am only allowed 6. I grab 38 C’s and 36 C’s. None of them fit. The fitting room lady looks pissed when I hand her 6 bras that are all hung wrong on the hangers. I call Mr. Gaunt and tell him how upset I am that I can’t find a bra and he comes to find me. I show him all the cute little colorful bras I want to buy and tell him they don’t fit. They are all too big or too small or dig into my back fat or pinch or sag. I hate them all. I then show him the old lady bras with the thick straps and thick sides. I grab a 36 C and take it to the fitting room It is cream and lacey and ugly, it fits perfect, I buy it.

We have to go pick up my car at Mr. Gaunt’s mom’s house. We stop at Taco bell where I want a Chicken Fresco soft taco. I order the burrito on accident and it has cheese and refried beans (which I hate) and I cry and refuse to eat it. When we get to his mom’s house we go upstairs where she is looking on the computer at my blog. She tells me I looked unhappy in my fat pictures but happy in my newer skinny pictures. I am sad that we are talking about me being fat, and even sadder that I feel unhappy right now. I cry more and we hug.

I have to drive my car home by myself and my windows are dirty so the lights of the oncoming traffic blurs my view. I talk to Mr. Gaunt in the car behind me as we drive home. I feel safe knowing he is driving right behind me.

When we get home I try on new clothes that Pro gave me. The two pairs of pants that should fit are too big, but the dress looks pretty. I get a text from Kelli telling me how much she weighs, inspired by my previous post, she weighs less than I do. I am sad and happy. For a minute I want to tell her so bad what I weigh but I don’t. I am ashamed. I wont lie.

I talk to my mom again and we make summer plans to go to the island where my family had a cabin. I am excited and worried. Im afraid these plans wont come true. I miss home. I get off the phone with her and feel a little better. I check my blog updates and see a post from Nie Nie, one of my favorite blogs. An article has been written about her journey over the last year of recovering from a plane crash with 85% of her body burned. I want to cry for her. I am so happy for this woman I don’t even know, that she is alive today and although her body isn’t what she wants, it’s what she has. She can hold her babies and kiss her husband. And I know that my day wasnt that hard.