Feeling Better

I spent all last year doing a lot of work on my mind. I really tried to enlighten myself to the world, to being able to control my mood more and the results of my life more. I’m not sure when I got bogged down with bullshit. I’m guessing as my business grew I became more focus on that and less focused on my goal of living a more harmonious life. It’s hard to think of yourself with you have to think of everything else. My days have all turned a bit sour now, sprinkled with self-doubt, anxiety over who I am, what I am worth. Mornings where I wake up in tears, nights when I cry myself to sleep. I’m depressed, and I’m so over it. I want to feel better, more than anything. I want my mind to be clear and filled with love and excitement for life. I want my body to feel healthy and in sync. I want to make clearer choices and I want to feel more spiritual. So I need a plan, and I need a place to process my thoughts….hello old friend.

While I do not know how to make myself “un-depressed” exactly, I’m going to put into place some actions that maybe will help. I’m listing them out for myself, to look back upon “you still doing this Morgan?”

1. Nutrition: There have been times in my life where what I ate needed to make me smaller. There have been times in my life where what I ate needed to dull all the thoughts in my head and keep me happy. There have been times where I did not eat because I did not feel like my appearance was worthy of more food. I’ve spent the last 4 years since Vada was born learning to love myself without worrying about my looks. I took the vanity out of who I was, I am just a mom now. I let control of food go, I ate whatever I  wanted, and I gained weight, and it was fine. I began to notice the parts of diet culture that I hadn’t seen before. I stopped talking about my body, about diet, about weight loss. I stopped thinking about plans to lose weight. With this I should have been able to let my body pick foods and feed its self intuitively, but I didn’t. There is something DEEP in my soul that does not allow me to eat a healthy amount. I use food to numb. I use food to celebrate. I use food mindlessly. I use food out of guilt. I eat because I have to, all the time, it’s what you do! Ive made myself sick. My body is all out of whack, my head is foggy and sad. It’s not working. All of it. So, I’m trying again, to figure out a way to control my intake without hating myself. I don’t know how to get rid of those deep rooted feelings that food is something I need to hold me down. Maybe therapy? Maybe REBT? I assume a lifelong process, something I may never figure out. But what I have learned over the last couple years is this: People who have clean houses CLEAN THEIR HOUSE ALL THE TIME. People who have kids who are well-behaved: PARENT THEIR KIDS ALL THE TIME. People who are fit WORK OUT ALL THE TIME. So for me, I need a plan, not a crazy one, not a counting calories or points, just a plan so I can eat foods I like, but also have someone else in control of what and how much. I need to just follow a plan for now, while I do work on my mind and my heart. So Ive purchased a meal plan from a nutritionist, and I’m going to follow it, without too much thought or obsession, and I’m going to feel better.

2. Movement: I was talking to my doctor recently (I’ve been to the doctor a lot lately, again, things just aren’t right with me right now.) And she said “spend an hour every day moving your body in a new enjoyable way” and I like that. Just do something different, a yoga class, go for a swim, a family bike ride, a walk around the mall, just move your body. I don’t have a physical job so my body can get stiff and lazy. So I’m going to try really hard to move my body daily and I’m going to feel better.

3. Mindfulness: For me this will look like more time sitting quietly, getting up before everyone else, breathing, thinking, listening. Doing things that let me mind process the world, my life, my family, myself. Eating foods slowly and quietly. Hugging and talking to Vada more. Loving my husband more. Putting more thoughts of joy and warmth and love out into the world. I’m going journal more as a form of therapy and I’m going to feel better.

4. Relationships: I’m going to stop beating myself for friendships lost. Everyone makes their own choices and It’s ok for people to choose not to spend time with me, and Its ok for me to chose not to spend time with other people. relationships will come and go. I’m not perfect, I may not be a perfect friend, but I wont become a better friend by hating myself, so I’m going to feel better, and then maybe I will be a better friend.

That’s all I have this morning. Just some plans and a lot of hope.

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