Reasons that Today was awesome

1. HAPPY DO DO EEUM! (the boy turns 2 tomorrow, he had quite the party today)

Megan, Eeum, and Say Say. How I love them so.

2. THIS ARRIVED IN THE MAIL. (and its perfect in every way. I could not be happier)

3. WE ARE DRINKING THIS (well I am…Tori Spelling recommended it on Twitter…lol)

4. WE ARE WATCHING THIS.

5. AND READING THIS. (I like to read while watching a film, and I didnt know this existed, very exciting)

Simply Wedding

We are simplifying the wedding too, amongst all of our decontamination (of our lives) we are cutting back on the Big Day too. This comes about for a few reasons. Some are personal, some are not. I don’t want to offend anyone else in this blog, so I will talk in “I” Statements.

I WAS PUTTING WAY TOO MUCH EMPHASIS ON THE IMPORTANCE OF THIS DAY.

I WAS LEANING ON OTHERS TO REASSURE ME IN MY DECISIONS

I WAS FEELING LET DOWN.

I WAS UNABLE TO ACCEPT THAT I MIGHT NOT HAVE ALL MY DREAMS COME TRUE.

Its suppose to be fun, planning a wedding, and it is. I love all of the artsy details and the little projects. I even love a good bargain hunt! But there were a few things that I just couldnt make, and although I wanted them dearly, I was unable to provide them for myself.

This is where changes have been made. I have given these ideas about 5 days, and I havent cried over them yet, so I think we ae on a good track.

1. PHOTOGRAPHER:

First off I REALLY wanted a very certain look to my pictures. I was looking for that rustic vintage indie style photography. I find I’m not very traditional when it comes to wedding pictures. I found (and emailed) 4 different photographers (with this style) in the Bellingham area. All four of them quoted me $3000-$4000 minimums. I spent about a week convincing myself that I MUST have this, that someway I have to make that money. Well unfortunately I can’t turn water into gold. And I can’t make $3000 in the next 9 months.

I cried for a good few days over this one. I fought with family a bit. I felt devastated. I know some will think this is a silly thing to be sad over, but for me good wedding photos (besides marrying Mr. Gaunt) was about the most important thing to my wedding. And it wasnt gonna happen.

And so we stand up, we grow up, and we suck it up! Mr. Gaunt and I have decided that we will NOT be having professional photos taken at our wedding. Instead we are going to spend $600-$800 or so on a DSLR Camera. Something I have wanted for years! We are going to (trust) our friends and family to use this camera and help us capture our wedding. Yes its a bit risky (that we will get 500 photos of crap) but in the end there will be memories, and we will have a great camera. So that is that.

I know some might say “Just hire the cheap photographer” but I don’t want to pay someone to take generic pictures of my wedding. On this, I am going ALL or NOTHING. And because life aint always fair…Im picking nothing (except the sweet camera we will be getting)

2. THE DRESS:

Another tough cookie, for 3 reasons:

1. I dont care for my body, it does not fit well in a wedding dress

2. I dont have much money to spend

3. Family and friends seem to have conflicting ideas of what I should wear, making it impossible to ask advice.

In the end, Mr. Gaunt and I spent an hour online looking at dresses last night. Besides myself, Mr. Gaunt’s opinion is the only one I really care about. We finally picked a dress from J. Crew that seemed to be what I was looking for. They didn’t have my size online so they are doing a store search for me. As soon as it is found they will charge my card and ship it to me. Done deal.

We both could not be happier with this decision. Again I had serious fantasies about dress shopping, that I would find that DREAM dress, that my mother would cry, that my father would whip out his credit card for his “Baby Girl” ha! That’s not my life at all, and wedding dresses and wedding dress shopping is all set up to make you feel like that SHOULD be your life. I had to get away from it. I needed something simple and comfortable and really fit my budget, my life, and my relationship.

Oh and on a plus note: I made enough with my paintings in January to pay for this dress!

When the dress arrives I will probably need to lose about 15 pounds for it to fit like I want it to, and if I lose more I can just have it taken in.  My friend Dominique (who is a shoe whore) offered to buy me my wedding shoes as a wedding gift, so we will have to go shopping once the dress arrives and I know what size heel I need. I wont lie, I’m hoping this all works out and that this process is a done deal.

THE REGISTRY:

Ah, such a taboo topic, except that everyone registers. I guess money makes people uncomfortable to talk about, kind of like weight. Well in case you didn’t know…

IM FAT AND IM POOR!

ha!

There, see no awkwardness. If I spent my whole life refusing to talk about things that are uncomfortable I wouldn’t even have this blog, and 50,000 of you wouldn’t have read it. (did u notice my blog views hit 50k last night…exciting!)

Oh back to Registries. Mr. Gaunt and I have registered, at two places. I wont share them here, as that is tacky…lol. However after the revelation that we will be downsizing, we had to “downsize the registry” which was surprisingly easy. Yes there are a few things we still REALLY want: Nice Towels, Nice Silverware and Plates, a Kitchenaid in “Ice blue”….ahem. But we hacked away all of the cripy-crap we don’t need. Now of course most of the whats left are slightly over the $20 budget a lot of people feel comfortable with. What we realized what that the stuff we needed was the stuff we hadnt already purchased ourselves (mostly because we couldn’t afford it) Here is my opinion on that. First off, no one HAS to buy us stuff! We are just happy that so many of our friends and family are coming (especially from out-of-town). We really would not be offended by anyway who didn’t buy us stuff. Secondly we have no problem asking (or receiving) Giftcards.

Its actually kind of funny, at work one day we all had this big discussion about how we HATE giving giftcards but we LOVE receiving them. Isnt that funny. I guess people assume that gift cards only say “I don’t know you well enough to know what to get you” but I kinda feel like a gift Registry says the exact same thing…lol. Anyway we hacked away at the registry and feel good that we wont be acquiring a ton of things we thought we needed. You know what we really need is a Box Spring, which giftcards collectively could help with!

STATIONARY:

Mr. Gaunt and I have taken on the task of designing, printing and constructing all of our stationary ourselves. This will be a bit of a task, but after the $5000 quote I received from an Etsy seller to do it all for me, I know it was what we had to do. It will be fun! A challenge! We are excited.

 

So that my friends is where we stand.

YOU GET ENGAGED.

YOU PLAN YOUR FANTASY WEDDING.

REALITY HITS.

YOU CHANGE YOUR PLANS.

the end.

Oh and my baby turns TWO this weekend!

 

 

The Designer

I am not a designer snob. You will NEVER find me in some tacky label coated purse, or $200 jeans, or anything extravagant. Sure I hear that the nicer designer items often fit better and last longer, but I just could never bring myself to prioritize that.

Today however I have fallen IN LOVE with a designer…my first designer crush. And its…bridal…sigh. Which means it’s never gonna happen. The good thing though is that at least I have now SEEN the style in real life that I have had in my head for the last few months. I’m going to drag Mr. Gaunt around the “nice” mall to see if we can find something similar in a nice department store.

So without Further ado….Temperly london:

Dress the Part

Funny little tid-bit of information about me. Before I had ever tried on a wedding dress I use to always watch Say Yes To The Dress and hear the girls say “I want to look like me” and I always though “I look like ME every day, why would I want to look like ME on my wedding day. I want to look like someone different, and glamorous” Then I tried on wedding dresses.

I stared in the mirror in full judgmental stance (head cocked and all). I couldn’t even look at my own face, it was too weird. I just stared at the dress trying to pull myself out of the picture. It was one of the weirdest things I ever done. And it was awful. Not sad awful, not even that depressing. Just bad. And it made me realize I DO want to look like myself, and I DONT want to look like a cookie cutter bride.

So I though and thought about it. I looked through all the pictures of dresses I thought I wanted, and then I realized they weren’t me. And no matter how much weight I lost, they were never going to be me. I don’t dress like that. I don’t hold myself like that. I’m not that. So back to the drawing table I go.  In search of a dress that makes me feel comfortable (absolutely NO sleeveless! Being sleeveless to me is like wearing a super short skirt, it doesn’t matter how cute it is if you feel like you wanna die wearing it) and nothing itchy, stiff, tight, taffeta, or shaped like an “A” GOD DAMMIT! (oops sorry)

So I searched the web and these are things that seem a bit more me:

Ok so obviously there’s a lot to look at. Some are just for the sweaters, some would need sweaters added to them, some are for the sleeves. But overall are any of them screaming out MORGAN!? Id love any and all ideas and opinions! THANKS!

 

Why I dont feel like a bride.

I’ll warn you now, its been a hard week, and an awful day. My spirits are at an all time low and I can’t shake it. With that being said I’ve felt this way for a while, and feel Id like to share it.

I had tentative plans today to go try on wedding dresses today with Jenny and Mr. Gaunt’s mom. I more or less ignored these plans and made no appointments. I don’t want to try on dresses, at all, ever.

To me a bride is beautiful and elegant and grown up. A bride is confident and romantic and graceful. I am none of these things, at least I don’t feel like I am.

I also feel completely lost on what “bride style” I am. If anyone remembers the Sex and The City episode where Carrie is thinking of marrying Aiden and she and Standford are looking through bridal magazines: Am I Peekaboo Bride?

They all seem a little overwhelming, a little too much.

I didn’t talk about it on here, but ring shopping was pretty unpleasant for me. I cried, multiple times. Friends of ours who were married last year told us that ring shopping was the most fun they had. That he loved watching his fiancée get all girly and get to try on all the rings and pick out the one she wanted. This was not what ring shopping was for me.

First off, we had a major budget, which I have no shame in sharing. We really couldn’t afford anything, but we each worked overtime for two days and managed to put away $400 for the ring. Mr. Gaunt paid $250 and I paid the rest. Were practical people like that. However there are very few rings in the “under $500” range, and although I LOVE my ring, it was hard to find.  And another thing, when you go to try on rings they are all in one size, maybe a 6? And I’m a 7.75 so nothing fit. How unsatisfying is it to try your engagement ring on your pinky?..Very.

The whole thing made feel like poor fat shit. I didn’t belong there, who was I to be spending money on a ring? It was embarrassing and sad, and I will probably never do it again. Just order me a wedding ring at half.com.

I fear that wedding dress shopping will be the same. I’ve watched plenty of Say Yes To The Dress to know how they use big fat plastic clamps to try to hold some plus size bride into some unflattering taffeta mess. No Thanks! Or how strapless gowns make your back fat bulge and how all dresses are sleeveless and make your arms look huge and awful. Its sounds like hell!

And I’m trying so fucking hard to lose weight! It’s so freaking unfair! I started trying to run (which I hate) I watch every single thing I put into my mouth! I weigh myself, I drink water, I poop regularly! And you know what? I’m STILL 14 pounds over my lowest weight and even if I lose 3 pounds, I could gain it all back in an hour! ITS BULL! It’s not fair that I have to struggle and obsess and worry about it all the time and I’m still a freaking SIZE 16!!!!!!

Fair, that’s what it comes down to, it’s not fair.

money is the other thing. At this point I feel like some spoiled brat who thinks she is going to get a wedding, but who the hell is going to pay for it? We don’t have any money, and what little we do put into savings will be going to moving, not to wedding. We will be lucky to have enough just to get settled in.  And unfortunately no one in either of our families has money or sees the importance of paying for things like a professional photographer, or a nice dress. And I’m not saying they should have to, but is it really too much to want nice wedding photos to last a life time? Have I not shown the world how important photography is, and how hard I try to document Mr. Gaunt and my life together! DO I NOT DESERVE SOME FREAKING PROFESSIONAL WEDDING PICTURES?!!!!!!!!!!And I WANT to pay for them myself, Id just like others to support that decision and not make me feel like I’m being frivolous and stupid.

And they’re right, and I agree that I wish it was only $500 to hire a photographer, but it’s not! Most of them start at $1000-$2000 and only go up. And there’s nothing I can do about it.

Yeah and wedding dresses are expensive too! And when I go in there and they ask me what my budget is, saying $400 is not going to go over well. And no I’m sorry but I don’t think its fun to try on super fancy dresses that I can’t afford. I would never go into a car lot and test drive a Audi, same goes for dresses.

I don’t know. Like I said its a hard time right now, and I’m not sure where to go or who to turn to. you know the funny thing is, the one person who I think would be the most fun to go wedding dress shopping with, is Mr. Gaunt. I love shopping with him. He is fun and so nice, and just makes me feel like a million dollars. It may be non-traditional, but he’s a brides best friend.

So that’s the end of my rant, the plan is to drop $40 pounds and save $4000 and maybe I’ll go put a wedding dress on. Today is not that day, tomorrow doesn’t look good either.

Oh and despite the fact that I don’t like ME in a wedding dress, doesn’t mean I don’t LOVE a wedding dress. So I leave you a few of my favorites:

Yes I definitely have a style I like, and yes it includes pockets. (=