Still this fat.

GAP: Shirt $4.99 Pants $11.99

Yesterday I went to the Gap to browse their Clearance, I don’t even bother looking at the regular or Sale priced items…I just want Clearance. I really love the gap, well occasionally they have a bad season, but who doesn’t?  As I was trying on clothes, I really got to thinking about what exactly my style of clothing is, and how I feel about my body.

Old Navy $15

I have found it a little confusing to shop these days. For one thing, I was really hoping to weigh 25 pounds less right now (although I’m never quite sure I would even be happy there) and my body is sort of awkward. technically I am smaller than I was in highschool, but I would not say my body is the same. Unfortunately my skin isn’t quite as elastic as one would hope, and everything is sort of…soft. I’d say my legs, upper arms, and torso are the worst culprits.  And now when I want to wear a skirt and tank top, it’s all I can do to not sit there and poke and jiggle my saggy arms. Sure that skirt looks ok standing there, but sit down and the thighs are dimpled.

I tried on a bathing suit at Target the other day and wanted to cry (bathing suit shopping is the devil!). My legs LOOK like they have lost weight. No I don’t mean smaller, I mean they look like if you deflated a balloon and the rubber never really returned to its original size, sliding, sagging, puckering. Now I’m on the hunt for some sort of skirt like bathing suit, I don’t even care if it’s the Grandma Style!

My friend Jason wanted me and Mr. Gaunt to go with him to a water slide park this summer with his new TINY girlfriend. I told him I didn’t like water parks (which is tough to say because I havent been to one in 10+ years) but really in my head I was thinking Yeah right! I would rather chew off my own face than stand next to your 5’2″ 100 lb girlfriend in her tiny bikini! NO THANKS! It’s tough to say whether he would even care about my not so adorable bathing suit body. But I care.

I’ve had a few major self esteem meltdowns recently. More than I have had in a long time. I had a co-worker tell me recently how he HATES FAT PEOPLE because they are lazy, and if he ever started to gain any weight he would just work out. He told this to me in a way that meant Don’t you agree? And I stood there thinking, does he not think I am fat (although I have many times seen him point at girls smaller than me and claim they are too chunky) or is he secretly trying to tell me he hates me (I kind of think we are friends)  or does he just not think before he speaks. Its like when you hear people spew a “weight” without thinking: “Yeah, and this girl probably weighed like 200 pounds, she was HUGE” and you are standing there, weighing 200 lbs and you think: Oh really, was she as huge as me?

I know some people are just stupid and ignorant about weight issues, especially ones that have never dealt with any. But its hard to be around them, its hard to feel like everyone isnt judging you all the time. Its hard not to feel like the fattest person in the room.

I want to be proud of the weight I have lost, but I find myself avoiding telling people that I lost weight. Ashamed that I was once that size. Ashamed to say “I lost 75lbs, and yes I’m STILL this fat”

And my friends who have also lost weight, who are smaller than me and STILL not happy with themselves. I don’t want to be the fattest person I know, but you have got to stop obsessing! Please be happy with who you are! Please don’t use me as your self esteem booster, look I get to pass my fat pants on to Morgan. I’m trying so hard to love myself and be ok.

Mom and Me

And I miss my mom and my friends terribly. My mom has never in a million years made me feel anything but perfect, and no one has rooted harder for me during my weight loss. Being with her makes me feel beautiful and normal. And my dear friends who I stand next to and feel comfortable with myself, even the ones that are smaller than me. Who all say such sweet things to me, and would never let stupid things slip out of their mouths about my weight. Girls that I would stand next to in a bathing suit, even if I know they look better than me.

I miss that love and support. I wish I could be with them. I wish I could feel ok about myself. I wish I didn’t work with idiots. I wish I was with my mom and this Mother’s Day. I hope she knows how much she means to me.

70 Pounds Lost…Officially.

Well I did it! I hit 70lbs lost on Monday night at my Weight Watchers meeting. That means I’m really only about 1.5lbs away on my home scale to hitting 75, this is pleasing. Last week went fine, I managed to avoid all Super Bowl garbage by going to see a movie (I don’t even care about sports, I only attend Super Bowl parties FOR the FOOD!) so that was good.

The weather here is still pretty crap-tastic. Snow upon freezing wind followed by sun, oh Colorado you are so crazy. The days have DEFINITELY gotten longer which Thrills me! I saw this Post Secret last week and I just feel like it was calling to me:

My meeting actually went really well, there are a lot of new members right now so every week I see people I have never seen before. When I weighed in there was a new woman at the desk, and of course as soon as she saw my achievement of 70lbs she got all excited and said…can you guess…”OH MY GOD YOU MUST FEEL LIKE A DIFFERENT PERSON!” Yeah I get this a LOT. That night though I just smiled and said “you know, not really” which my WW leader over heard and she came over to chat. We started talking about how it takes a while for you brain to catch up with your body. She told me about some study they did with like 100 woman of varying sizes that they put in a room and told them to stand in a long line from biggest to smallest. The women had to silently without help from each other find their spot in the line. In the end only a very small percentage of the women actually understood what size they were, some guessed too small, some to large. The women that were the most off were the ones who had lost a  significant amount of weight, these women were blind to their own size. I feel like that right now.

This week we talked about “Putting Yourself First” which is something I have mastered! LOL! Seriously though I have 100% made me (and Mr. Gaunt)’s health my main priority, and I’m cool with that! I could never have gotten this far if I hadn’t put ME first! Anyways, after we talked about that we did “Celebrations” which I was pretty excited about because I had a new number! When my leader announced my accomplishment everyone clapped for me, and then my leader asked me to talk about what was my key to success. This is always kind of a hard one, but I told them about how I have learned to cook healthy meals, and how I have made this my life style and how I put myself first. I’ve thought about sharing about my blog (which I do attribute a lot of my success too) but I havent yet. After that we all started getting ready to go and this little old man (who comes with his wife, I bet they are in their late 70’s) came up to me and shook my hand and said “I am just so proud of you.” It melted my heart, he doesn’t even know me and he is proud of me. It made me think how much I am looking forward to seeing my own grandparent this summer so they can say the same thing. As I was leaving a few other people came up and asked me questions and said sweet things about my weight loss, I really felt on top of the world. If nothing else, it’s THAT community that keeps me going back to Weight Watchers.

So I dont have a 70lb picture because I took one not too long ago, but I will leave you with this…it made me laugh.