Curve Appeal

This is my new favorite blog/tumblr. It pretty much makes me feel fantastic. I am totally under the impression that I may not be able to lose a single pound before my wedding. I am doing my best to just be ok with this. I’m pretty sure all of my friends and family (although some may secretly deep down wish I would lose more weight) will still love me and think I look nice at this size.

Being this size does not mean I am lazy, or careless with my health. This is what I got to work with, and I’m a good person despite my physical flaws. I tell myself this every day, I’m trying to believe, every day.

And yes, I would look better 50 pounds thinner, but I have some serious self esteem healing that needs to happen before that.  I wish I could lose the weight on my heart and be someone who can just love themselves as they are. I wish it was easier to trust Mr. Gaunt when he says I look nice, or photos that make me look thinner, and not just assume they are both an illusion.

There is beauty in the breakdown.

Bad GENES for good JEANS

My friend Kelli sent me this link on Downsizing/purging clothing. Like the woman in the article I too am a regular purger of clothing. I probably own less than 10 items that are over a year old. I get rid of clothing all the time.

However after I read what she kept it got me thinking about my own wardrobe. She KEPT 10 pairs of jeans. Now I currently own 5 pairs of jeans. I hate all 5 pairs, here is a recap of those 5 pairs:

1 Pair of gap Jeans (used) that fit if I’m standing up, but if I’m sitting down they have about 3 inches of extra room in the back, and are about 3″ too tight in the front. I can only wear them if I have not eaten much, and do not plan to eat later. They are also about 2″ too long, so I cuff them.

1 Pair of mens American Eagle Jeans (used) that fit perfect in the legs, but are about 15 pounds away from fitting in the waist. I have not put them on since I bought them a month ago. They are my goal pants.

1 pair of Torrid Jeans (used) that fit perfect in the waist (except the waist band is thick and does not lay flat when I layer a long shirt over it) and fit very nice in the butt. The legs are a bit too flared for me, and they are DEFINITELY an inch or two too shor, which makes them only ok in flats or flip flops, therefor I rarely wear them in the winter.

1 pair of Old Navy Boot Cut Jeans (new) these are SKINNNNNN tight on the claves. They are the only jeans that fit the front of my waist but not the back (a good 4″ too big, I cant even wear a belt with them as too much fabric bunches in the back) I also hate the color a lot, very BLUE. However I would rather my calves look like sausages then my waist look like a muffin.

1 Pair of Old Navy Bot cut jeans in a size 14 (new) these are also skin tight, like SUPER tight as I am not really a size 14. However they are dark denim, and if I wear spanx and don’t eat they look like nice going-out pants. I havent worn them in at least 9 months.

So there you have it! 5 pairs of jeans that all make me cry almost every time I put them on! Literally, I burst into tears before ripping them off my body…)=

I’m sure you are wondering what other pants I have. I have ONE other pair of pants, that I wear to work. They are a brown/khaki cargo type pant with a “sweat pant” waist band. They fit nicely (although I have caught a glimpse of my ass in the mirror, and they are not too kind to it) but they are super ugly and make me feel extra ugly when I wear them….40 hours a week.

There is so much in the world that is unfair, but the fact that I worked really hard to lose 75 pounds and I still (a) dont fit in a normal size, and (b) do not have a single pair of pants that make me feel good about myself, might be the MOST unfair thing of all.

I should really learn to sew my own pants. Can I just be a hippie and wear skirts and yoga pants year round?

Le sigh.

 

 

Pants and Weight Loss

First off let me just say that they should REALLY make the inner thigh of women’s jeans a little bit thicker. I know even skinny girls whose thighs touch + walking = friction. And everyone knows friction equals DENIM DEMISE! How many pairs of jeans have been in perfectly good condition until the thighs go out. Lame. On Monday I was peeing (sharing violation) and I looked down and noticed the tell-tale signs of thinning thighs (no not the good thinning of thighs, the bad kind) and I thought to myself….hmm…I bet these will go soon. Tuesday I was climbing up a ladder and had to take a big step up into a shelf to move some mirrors at work (I do weird shit at work) and that’s when I heard it….tear. Yup there goes the thigh on my pants. These were my favorite (and only) work jeans. SSSSSSSSSOOOOOOO LAME.

So today Mr. Gaunt and I went to Kohls (which by the way is the DEVILS store and I completely hate it, and wouldn’t ever shop there except they sent me a $10 gift card in the mail) to hunt for work pants. Which brings me to todays topic:

I HATE PANTS!

Oh how I hate them. They are uncomfortable, unflattering and unpleasant!

-Jeans are always cute when you first put them on, but then they sag and fade and look like crap. Stretch denim SEEMS like your friend, but it’s not. Stretch denim is comfortable but almost always looks like total crap after 10 washings. All stretched out and overly crotchy….yuck.

-I wear dress pants (with slight stretch) at Job numero 2, and I actually like them the most. They are black and have kind of a wide leg.  However I can’t wear dress pants at my real job.

-Then there is that weird range of khaki/cargo/casual pants. These are just as bad. They are usually not stretch and are just stiff at the waist and unflattering and do that ugly wrinkle thing at the top where your thigh meets your hip.

The other thing I HATE about pants is the style now a days! In case you were unaware I have HUGE thighs and calves…HUGE. And you know, I’ve actually come to accept that no matter how thin I am I will always have big thighs. Which is kind of ok. My legs are very strong, so that’s good. But really they do not fit in any pants unless they are wide trouser style or a flare. And apparently flair is out! What? WHY!!!!! I love my flair jeans! Now all they make are bootcut.

BOOTCUT IS THE DEVILS CUT!

For me bootcut jeans are SKIN tight on the calf, baggy on the knee cap and then tight on the thigh. They do not go down my leg gracefully into a nice fabric pool around my shoe. No they are HORRIFIC! I hate bootcut. And don’t even get me started on a  skinny jean!

Why cants I wear Yoga pants all the time?

So back at Kohls I tried on probably 10 paris of pants and hated them all. Like HATED them. Finally I settled on a cargo/casual light brown pant with kind of sweatpants waste band…lol! I usually don’t require and elastic waist, but at work I’m up and down ladders, crawling into shelves, and spend probably 50% of my day on my knees on the floor. I’m constantly bent over, and a tight or stiff waist band can ruin my day. I wish so bad that I could just wear yoga pants at work all day….lol. You know how they made denim looking leggings (Jeggings) well they should make a denim looking yoga pant (Jega?) I would buy stock in those!

Also trying on all the pants made me realize (once again) how Id really like to lose the rest of this weight. So so much. I was also thinking that I have about 10 month until my wedding and how if I could lose 5 pounds a month then I would really be down to my ideal weight by the wedding. This would make me feel so good. I wish I could just make it happen. I mean I really wish I didn’t care, but I know I do. I wish I didn’t worry about it so much, but I do. I wish that I could just get back into a roll and that it would happen as easily as the first 75 pounds.

I havent gone out or dresses up in a while, and I think the day-to-day of wearing ugly work clothes and coming home and putting on pajamas is really getting to me. I need a reason to look nice. I feel better when I can wear cute things. I miss my girlfriends. Oh I’m just in a mood. Bad shopping trips always put me in a mood.

 

 

 

Why I dont feel like a bride.

I’ll warn you now, its been a hard week, and an awful day. My spirits are at an all time low and I can’t shake it. With that being said I’ve felt this way for a while, and feel Id like to share it.

I had tentative plans today to go try on wedding dresses today with Jenny and Mr. Gaunt’s mom. I more or less ignored these plans and made no appointments. I don’t want to try on dresses, at all, ever.

To me a bride is beautiful and elegant and grown up. A bride is confident and romantic and graceful. I am none of these things, at least I don’t feel like I am.

I also feel completely lost on what “bride style” I am. If anyone remembers the Sex and The City episode where Carrie is thinking of marrying Aiden and she and Standford are looking through bridal magazines: Am I Peekaboo Bride?

They all seem a little overwhelming, a little too much.

I didn’t talk about it on here, but ring shopping was pretty unpleasant for me. I cried, multiple times. Friends of ours who were married last year told us that ring shopping was the most fun they had. That he loved watching his fiancée get all girly and get to try on all the rings and pick out the one she wanted. This was not what ring shopping was for me.

First off, we had a major budget, which I have no shame in sharing. We really couldn’t afford anything, but we each worked overtime for two days and managed to put away $400 for the ring. Mr. Gaunt paid $250 and I paid the rest. Were practical people like that. However there are very few rings in the “under $500” range, and although I LOVE my ring, it was hard to find.  And another thing, when you go to try on rings they are all in one size, maybe a 6? And I’m a 7.75 so nothing fit. How unsatisfying is it to try your engagement ring on your pinky?..Very.

The whole thing made feel like poor fat shit. I didn’t belong there, who was I to be spending money on a ring? It was embarrassing and sad, and I will probably never do it again. Just order me a wedding ring at half.com.

I fear that wedding dress shopping will be the same. I’ve watched plenty of Say Yes To The Dress to know how they use big fat plastic clamps to try to hold some plus size bride into some unflattering taffeta mess. No Thanks! Or how strapless gowns make your back fat bulge and how all dresses are sleeveless and make your arms look huge and awful. Its sounds like hell!

And I’m trying so fucking hard to lose weight! It’s so freaking unfair! I started trying to run (which I hate) I watch every single thing I put into my mouth! I weigh myself, I drink water, I poop regularly! And you know what? I’m STILL 14 pounds over my lowest weight and even if I lose 3 pounds, I could gain it all back in an hour! ITS BULL! It’s not fair that I have to struggle and obsess and worry about it all the time and I’m still a freaking SIZE 16!!!!!!

Fair, that’s what it comes down to, it’s not fair.

money is the other thing. At this point I feel like some spoiled brat who thinks she is going to get a wedding, but who the hell is going to pay for it? We don’t have any money, and what little we do put into savings will be going to moving, not to wedding. We will be lucky to have enough just to get settled in.  And unfortunately no one in either of our families has money or sees the importance of paying for things like a professional photographer, or a nice dress. And I’m not saying they should have to, but is it really too much to want nice wedding photos to last a life time? Have I not shown the world how important photography is, and how hard I try to document Mr. Gaunt and my life together! DO I NOT DESERVE SOME FREAKING PROFESSIONAL WEDDING PICTURES?!!!!!!!!!!And I WANT to pay for them myself, Id just like others to support that decision and not make me feel like I’m being frivolous and stupid.

And they’re right, and I agree that I wish it was only $500 to hire a photographer, but it’s not! Most of them start at $1000-$2000 and only go up. And there’s nothing I can do about it.

Yeah and wedding dresses are expensive too! And when I go in there and they ask me what my budget is, saying $400 is not going to go over well. And no I’m sorry but I don’t think its fun to try on super fancy dresses that I can’t afford. I would never go into a car lot and test drive a Audi, same goes for dresses.

I don’t know. Like I said its a hard time right now, and I’m not sure where to go or who to turn to. you know the funny thing is, the one person who I think would be the most fun to go wedding dress shopping with, is Mr. Gaunt. I love shopping with him. He is fun and so nice, and just makes me feel like a million dollars. It may be non-traditional, but he’s a brides best friend.

So that’s the end of my rant, the plan is to drop $40 pounds and save $4000 and maybe I’ll go put a wedding dress on. Today is not that day, tomorrow doesn’t look good either.

Oh and despite the fact that I don’t like ME in a wedding dress, doesn’t mean I don’t LOVE a wedding dress. So I leave you a few of my favorites:

Yes I definitely have a style I like, and yes it includes pockets. (=

Sportin’ a Skirt

I would just like to say that if you have ever in your entire life been able to comfortably wear a Bikini, than you should thank your lucky stars, or your parents for blessing you with such genetics. For some of us a Bikini will never ever happen. I have long since forgotten any day-dream of ever wearing a bikini, or any suit that made me look in some way descent. Nope, the ultimate goal in a swimsuit is FUNCTION + Whatever looks the least ugly. I’m not even saying it makes me look good, just not horrific.

Now I could get all sorts of dramatic and stress all the reasons why I look bad in a bathing suit, but I’ll save you from the 10 page list. Even after losing 75lbs, I’m gonna go out on a branch here and say I might actually look worse than before. Now my skin is lose and unpleasant to look at…ha! Especially the thighs, which is the area my body has apparently decided is the best place to store fat. I’m still working on accepting my legs.

I mentioned a month or so ago that Ms. G gave me a swimsuit…with a skirt. Part of me (since I was a little girl and would go Hot Tubbing with my Grandma) has always wanted to wear a skirted swimsuit. The other part of me realized that it’s about as Grandma-y as it gets. This year, I could give a shit. I’m SOOOOO over trying to look cute or hip or cool, now I’m dressing simply because I like it, and hopefully because its flattering.

Which brings me to the floral skirted swimsuit Ms. G gave me. Pretty much its the most comfortable suit I have ever owned! Seriously people. I actually walked from her house to the pool wearing nothing but my swimsuit, that’s how nice I feel in it. The only complaint I have ever had is that the print isn’t really my style. Its big pink roses on a black background. By no means is it the worst thing I have ever seen, just not particularly trendy. So anyway Mr. Gaunt and I were at Marshals the other night and I happened to be browsing the skirted swimsuit section (ha, I sound like a loser now) and found a pretty darn cute suit (with a skirt) for $40.

Tried it on and bought it! I’m very pleased with this suit, it has a cute Tennis dress feel. I will be bringing both suits to Washington in two weeks (from today) and will wear my skirts proudly…lol!

Still this fat.

GAP: Shirt $4.99 Pants $11.99

Yesterday I went to the Gap to browse their Clearance, I don’t even bother looking at the regular or Sale priced items…I just want Clearance. I really love the gap, well occasionally they have a bad season, but who doesn’t?  As I was trying on clothes, I really got to thinking about what exactly my style of clothing is, and how I feel about my body.

Old Navy $15

I have found it a little confusing to shop these days. For one thing, I was really hoping to weigh 25 pounds less right now (although I’m never quite sure I would even be happy there) and my body is sort of awkward. technically I am smaller than I was in highschool, but I would not say my body is the same. Unfortunately my skin isn’t quite as elastic as one would hope, and everything is sort of…soft. I’d say my legs, upper arms, and torso are the worst culprits.  And now when I want to wear a skirt and tank top, it’s all I can do to not sit there and poke and jiggle my saggy arms. Sure that skirt looks ok standing there, but sit down and the thighs are dimpled.

I tried on a bathing suit at Target the other day and wanted to cry (bathing suit shopping is the devil!). My legs LOOK like they have lost weight. No I don’t mean smaller, I mean they look like if you deflated a balloon and the rubber never really returned to its original size, sliding, sagging, puckering. Now I’m on the hunt for some sort of skirt like bathing suit, I don’t even care if it’s the Grandma Style!

My friend Jason wanted me and Mr. Gaunt to go with him to a water slide park this summer with his new TINY girlfriend. I told him I didn’t like water parks (which is tough to say because I havent been to one in 10+ years) but really in my head I was thinking Yeah right! I would rather chew off my own face than stand next to your 5’2″ 100 lb girlfriend in her tiny bikini! NO THANKS! It’s tough to say whether he would even care about my not so adorable bathing suit body. But I care.

I’ve had a few major self esteem meltdowns recently. More than I have had in a long time. I had a co-worker tell me recently how he HATES FAT PEOPLE because they are lazy, and if he ever started to gain any weight he would just work out. He told this to me in a way that meant Don’t you agree? And I stood there thinking, does he not think I am fat (although I have many times seen him point at girls smaller than me and claim they are too chunky) or is he secretly trying to tell me he hates me (I kind of think we are friends)  or does he just not think before he speaks. Its like when you hear people spew a “weight” without thinking: “Yeah, and this girl probably weighed like 200 pounds, she was HUGE” and you are standing there, weighing 200 lbs and you think: Oh really, was she as huge as me?

I know some people are just stupid and ignorant about weight issues, especially ones that have never dealt with any. But its hard to be around them, its hard to feel like everyone isnt judging you all the time. Its hard not to feel like the fattest person in the room.

I want to be proud of the weight I have lost, but I find myself avoiding telling people that I lost weight. Ashamed that I was once that size. Ashamed to say “I lost 75lbs, and yes I’m STILL this fat”

And my friends who have also lost weight, who are smaller than me and STILL not happy with themselves. I don’t want to be the fattest person I know, but you have got to stop obsessing! Please be happy with who you are! Please don’t use me as your self esteem booster, look I get to pass my fat pants on to Morgan. I’m trying so hard to love myself and be ok.

Mom and Me

And I miss my mom and my friends terribly. My mom has never in a million years made me feel anything but perfect, and no one has rooted harder for me during my weight loss. Being with her makes me feel beautiful and normal. And my dear friends who I stand next to and feel comfortable with myself, even the ones that are smaller than me. Who all say such sweet things to me, and would never let stupid things slip out of their mouths about my weight. Girls that I would stand next to in a bathing suit, even if I know they look better than me.

I miss that love and support. I wish I could be with them. I wish I could feel ok about myself. I wish I didn’t work with idiots. I wish I was with my mom and this Mother’s Day. I hope she knows how much she means to me.