Berries and Blues

Its been a rough few days. I absolutely let what others think of me, make me doubt myself. I wouldn’t even say I’m over it. There sometimes feels like an over whelming amount of thing that I need to change about myself, that I don’t even know where to begin. I feel a bit like a loser.

I applied for a fulltime position at my job (a position that I was already doing, and was very much qualified for) but I didn’t get it. I got a stupid letter saying they chose another qualified candidate. It reminded me of Cheer tryouts in 9th grade, getting the letter that just says NOPE, and then letting your brain run wild with all the reasons why you suck. Too fat, too ugly, too opinionated, not happy enough, not smart enough, not unique or interesting….” I suppose I could ask my employer why it is exactly I didn’t get the job, but I feel it would only make things worse to have her confirm what I already know. I’m trying to quickly focus my energy on what my next step is. My job will probably end in the next 3-4 weeks, and I will need to decided what that means for me. I also like to tell myself things like “You don’t want a sit down job anyways” which is true. Sitting in a chair for 10 hours a day 6 days a week has totally made me gain 5 pounds. That’s an uphill battle I don’t think I want to fight. If you sit down for 40+ hours a week you have to eat PERFECT and work out HARD just to maintain your weight! GAH! I do not want to maintain my weight, I want to kick my weight to the curb!

This week we go back to 40 hours a week, so I will get off at 11pm! This is awesome, as now I can bring back my weight lifting in the evenings. When I got off at 1am there was no way in hell I could keep doing that. Now things can be more sane. I can eat healthier and it will all be better. Well I suppose the financial bit wont be better, but whatever.

Speak of financial. We let my brother move in with us at the beginning of Jully. He needed a cheap place to stay and we needed the extra money. He paid us one lump sum to stay here through the end of September. We will use this money to pay off all of our wedding vendors. This is a HUGE deal! I feel really fortunate that all of that will be taken care of.

We also scored MAJOR yesterday at Kinkos with our wedding invitations. For 2 weeks we had been trying to find a time to go get our invitation printed and cut with this one awesome guy who works there. However for many reasons we kept missing him. On Thursday afternoon we went in one more time and he was there, but super busy. He told us to come in really early on Friday morning and that he would have time to work one on one with us.

For our invitations we needed:

-40 full color prints (2 up)

-40 black and white prints (2 up)

-100 sheets cut to size.

When we had originally gone around to get price quotes Kinkos estimated that with the paper and the printing and cutting we were looking at $120. BUT he told us it would be about 1/2 that if we bought our own paper. I think I mentioned before that we ended up buying our paper on Sale at the paper zone about a month ago. For our design I had made digital files and measurements and put them on a USB drive to have printed. So Mr. Gaunt and I got up at 7:30 am yesterday and worked with “Cool Kinkos Man” for about an hour. Shockingly all of my files and sizes were perfect and the process was totally painless. Then the Kinkos guy ended up having to leave in an emergency (his wife ran out of gas in the middle of an intersection!) as he was leaving he told his coworker what to charge and said “I’ll throw in the cuts as a wedding gift” So his co worker rings us up and Mr.Gaunt hands him the coupon we had for 10% off. The guy looks at us and goes “I can’t use this, you didn’t reach the minimum, your total is $3.72″….uhhh….seriously? that’s right, we got all of invites printed and cut for $3.72! Amazing, I know.

I have to work my last Saturday today, then I get me weekends back! I’m going to try to have a good day today and to keep positive! Tomorrow I need to make something yummy with all our Raspberries that are ready!

Ill take the FEAST!

It’s Feast or Famine around here! (Is the feast Fried chicken and Oreo Cakesters?….no…oh…umm)

Yesterday my boss announced that starting this week we will begin working Saturdays. This is awesome and sucks. Sucks because I like having a 2 day weekends, but awesome because we NEED money. Saturdays will be overtime, obviously. So I went from working part-time, to working 6 days a week, that’s how it goes.

Today I also have to babysit for Leo. While I have kind of missed him over the last 2 weeks, babysitting him wasnt #1 on my list. However it will be fine, I’ll add it to my new Bra fund (Hey Taylor, if you reading this, let’s have a Bra Shopping Date on Sunday). So I go today from 11-1 to watch him, then I have to go into work early for a meeting at 2:30.

Our paintings have also gone from no paintings in the last month, to selling 4 in one week…insanity! So I’m behind on emails, and I’m just not sure when that will go down. I’m running on very little sleep as one of my Best Friends had a major Relationship trauma last night at midnight and we had to girlfriend chat until almost 2.

However I managed to drag my ass out of bed this morning and go workout, only it was a short workout. I only did 2.1 miles, as I needed to get back to blog (its my therapy, don’t judge) and shower before babysitting. I worked hard though, ran as much as I could, and walked fast when I couldn’t run.

I need some sunshine though! I’m not one to complain about some gray weather, but this girl needs a tan and some vitamin D! Hopefully Sunday will be nice and I will spend all day outside soaking up the rays!

I have weigh in tomorrow! And its pay-day! Therefore after I weigh myself, Mr. Gaunt and I will be going out to lunch! Any suggestions? This might be counterproductive, but that’s how I roll.

SIDE NOTE: Any Bloggers in Washington want to got to PNW BLOGGER MEETUP in September? I wanna make FOR THE LOVE OF SKINNY Shirts!

 

Full Time, Thank God!

This week I start working FULL TIME!

This is awesome as to say Mr. Gaunt and I were poor would be the understatement of the year. This week things took a turn for the worst and we have like $5 between the two of us. I’m actually shocked that we have managed to get by so long on such limited funds, but its done. I will now be working at LEAST 40 hours a week, more if they offer it to me.

So my working out and blogging may lighten a little as I will have less free time.

However money will mean more wedding planning AND trips to Seattle (for Wedding shoes and Rita) Olympia (For Mallory) and Portland (for Kelli). All LONG over due trips.

Today Mr. Gaunt and I walked to the library to get some more books on tape for me at work. We jogged the first mile-ish then walked. Although we did stop to race up the stairs at Maritime Heritage Park. In total about 3 miles.

Alright its shower time, as I am cold and the chicken on the BBQ is almost done.

Woe is me.

Some days I wonder what skinny girls spend their time obsessing about.

I use to work in the fitting room at Old Navy and I use to watch all sizes of girls try on clothing. The skinny girls always had the weirdest things to complain about with jeans. “The pockets stick out weird” “I hate the color” “The crotch is too low” “The seem is weird” Seriously?

As someone who has spent many a moments feeling like absolute shit in the dressing room. My biggest concerns were usually “Do they Zip?” “Are they too tight” “Are they comfortable to sit down in?” “Are they stretchy” “Do they look like mom jeans” There was very little opportunity to be picky about things like color and butt-pocket design…puh-lease!

It actually irritates me when someone with a good body dresses poorly. The world is your CLOTHING OYSTER and you chose to dress like that?! I always felt like I could have really amazing style if I was just skinny. Alas, this has never been the case. Even when it came to wedding dresses, besides finances, the wedding dress world was NOT my oyster, and so I settled. It’s fine.

Today I am also very sad as I have recently developed a pretty sever allergic reaction to my engagement ring. After doing a bit of research it sounds like whatever my White Gold ring is mixed with (usually nickel) has now worn down a little bit of the gold and is now making direct contact with my skin. It’s been irritated for the last few weeks, but I thought it was from wearing it when I was working in the yard a month ago. I took it off for 2 weeks until it was almost healed. Within 48 hours of putting it back on my finger has a horrible rash/blister, it looks like a chemical burn, and feels just as bad. Needless to say, the ring wont be going back on.

It makes me very sad. We really did try to get me the best ring we could afford, and I was really happy with it, and now I can’t wear it. My mom said that my Grandma couldn’t wear her wedding ring for the first 40 years of their marriage. For their 40th anniversary they upgraded her ring to Platinum, nad now she can wear it.

From my research, it sounds like Platinum is the absolute best option for people who are metal sensitive. Problem is that its way out of our price range. We got our ring at Jared, and they allow you to trade in your ring for the price you paid towards something else. The cheapest Platinum band (no diamonds, nothing) they sell though is $1000. Yeah, way out of our budget. It makes me want to cry. I don’t know, I just feel like I finally had to be ok with the fact that my ring WASNT the big fancy princess ring I had always wanted, but now I can’t even wear the ring we could afford. So what, on my wedding day Mr. Gaunt will slip a ring on my finger for the ceremony and then I have to immediately take it off? Its bullshit, and it’s not fair!

Whatever. I can’t even think about it without crying.

In happier news my Bamboo Disposable plates arrived and they are amazing! I couldn’t be happier with them.

Gah. I’m in such a funk now, I’ll end this now before I just whine some more.

Two Weeks, Taxes, and Valentines

We got our Taxes…Woop Woop! Our savings is finally looking a bit more robust. After a month of car problems, work problems, and health problems, its nice to get some good news….in cash form.

Mr. Gaunt is off today at a Golf Expo with his friend Drew, so I am going off on a hunt for a valentine for him! I’m gonna hit up the shops of Pearl St, and then to get some cookie baking stuff. We are going over to Jenny and Justin’s (and Liam’s) tonight and I would like to bring Liam a Valentine and some cookies too. Plus Mr. Gaunt has been begging me to make him cookies for like 2 years now. And by cookies I mean something with real butter and Sugar, and not Vegan….lol.

Monday will mark 2 weeks until I leave. This is exciting and nerve-racking. I need to find us a storage unit this weekend and change my flight over. There is talk of me transferring my job temporarily so I can get my bonus, we will see on Monday.

Mr. Gaunt’s transfer has gotten a bit confusing, so hopefully that all works itself out today. I am soooo excited to get back home and start really planning my wedding (first time I will actually be seeing the inside of my wedding venue!) and get into our new house and start painting and garden planning. Our Save the Dates are going out this weekend too! Yay! Then I can show you how I made them.

I leave you with a picture of Hula on our Heating Pad. Her and I fight over it. I get up and she scurries over and lies on it. Sometimes she like to act extra cute to deter me from kicking her off. It’s a good thing we have two of them.

Why I dont feel like a bride.

I’ll warn you now, its been a hard week, and an awful day. My spirits are at an all time low and I can’t shake it. With that being said I’ve felt this way for a while, and feel Id like to share it.

I had tentative plans today to go try on wedding dresses today with Jenny and Mr. Gaunt’s mom. I more or less ignored these plans and made no appointments. I don’t want to try on dresses, at all, ever.

To me a bride is beautiful and elegant and grown up. A bride is confident and romantic and graceful. I am none of these things, at least I don’t feel like I am.

I also feel completely lost on what “bride style” I am. If anyone remembers the Sex and The City episode where Carrie is thinking of marrying Aiden and she and Standford are looking through bridal magazines: Am I Peekaboo Bride?

They all seem a little overwhelming, a little too much.

I didn’t talk about it on here, but ring shopping was pretty unpleasant for me. I cried, multiple times. Friends of ours who were married last year told us that ring shopping was the most fun they had. That he loved watching his fiancée get all girly and get to try on all the rings and pick out the one she wanted. This was not what ring shopping was for me.

First off, we had a major budget, which I have no shame in sharing. We really couldn’t afford anything, but we each worked overtime for two days and managed to put away $400 for the ring. Mr. Gaunt paid $250 and I paid the rest. Were practical people like that. However there are very few rings in the “under $500” range, and although I LOVE my ring, it was hard to find.  And another thing, when you go to try on rings they are all in one size, maybe a 6? And I’m a 7.75 so nothing fit. How unsatisfying is it to try your engagement ring on your pinky?..Very.

The whole thing made feel like poor fat shit. I didn’t belong there, who was I to be spending money on a ring? It was embarrassing and sad, and I will probably never do it again. Just order me a wedding ring at half.com.

I fear that wedding dress shopping will be the same. I’ve watched plenty of Say Yes To The Dress to know how they use big fat plastic clamps to try to hold some plus size bride into some unflattering taffeta mess. No Thanks! Or how strapless gowns make your back fat bulge and how all dresses are sleeveless and make your arms look huge and awful. Its sounds like hell!

And I’m trying so fucking hard to lose weight! It’s so freaking unfair! I started trying to run (which I hate) I watch every single thing I put into my mouth! I weigh myself, I drink water, I poop regularly! And you know what? I’m STILL 14 pounds over my lowest weight and even if I lose 3 pounds, I could gain it all back in an hour! ITS BULL! It’s not fair that I have to struggle and obsess and worry about it all the time and I’m still a freaking SIZE 16!!!!!!

Fair, that’s what it comes down to, it’s not fair.

money is the other thing. At this point I feel like some spoiled brat who thinks she is going to get a wedding, but who the hell is going to pay for it? We don’t have any money, and what little we do put into savings will be going to moving, not to wedding. We will be lucky to have enough just to get settled in.  And unfortunately no one in either of our families has money or sees the importance of paying for things like a professional photographer, or a nice dress. And I’m not saying they should have to, but is it really too much to want nice wedding photos to last a life time? Have I not shown the world how important photography is, and how hard I try to document Mr. Gaunt and my life together! DO I NOT DESERVE SOME FREAKING PROFESSIONAL WEDDING PICTURES?!!!!!!!!!!And I WANT to pay for them myself, Id just like others to support that decision and not make me feel like I’m being frivolous and stupid.

And they’re right, and I agree that I wish it was only $500 to hire a photographer, but it’s not! Most of them start at $1000-$2000 and only go up. And there’s nothing I can do about it.

Yeah and wedding dresses are expensive too! And when I go in there and they ask me what my budget is, saying $400 is not going to go over well. And no I’m sorry but I don’t think its fun to try on super fancy dresses that I can’t afford. I would never go into a car lot and test drive a Audi, same goes for dresses.

I don’t know. Like I said its a hard time right now, and I’m not sure where to go or who to turn to. you know the funny thing is, the one person who I think would be the most fun to go wedding dress shopping with, is Mr. Gaunt. I love shopping with him. He is fun and so nice, and just makes me feel like a million dollars. It may be non-traditional, but he’s a brides best friend.

So that’s the end of my rant, the plan is to drop $40 pounds and save $4000 and maybe I’ll go put a wedding dress on. Today is not that day, tomorrow doesn’t look good either.

Oh and despite the fact that I don’t like ME in a wedding dress, doesn’t mean I don’t LOVE a wedding dress. So I leave you a few of my favorites:

Yes I definitely have a style I like, and yes it includes pockets. (=