Being More Thankful

In an effort to improve my mental health and be more like my wonderful Husband, who is always happy and always looking on the bright side, I’m going to spend some time being more thankful and appreciative.

This is something that I have struggled with for years, seeing the Good and not the Bad. I know where it comes from, I understand the situations in my life that have given me a pessimistic or un-trusting look on life, but I would like to change it. It’s hard though. I do think that I am more responsible because of “worry about the worst” kind of thoughts, but I also spend a lot of time un able to let things go. I want to be more kind, happy, proud, respectful, without feeling like I’m being “fake” or ignoring things that are important. That is where I struggle. How can you see the good without ignoring danger signs. How can you be thankful without being walked on. How can you let go of anger and judgements but stay true to your standards?

I know that hatred and self-doubt have ruined relationships, and many experiences in my life. It’s not a feeling I want to bring with me into the future, or teach to my children. I picked Mr. Gaunt as my partner because he embodies all the good in the world. He radiates joy and kindness. He sees the good in everyone, and he returns it. Yes he has weaknesses in responsibility sometimes, areas where his “It’s All Good” mindset can sometimes get him in trouble, but he is genuinely happy. I know I will always need to be a little more “on top of my game” than he is, I need to keep things running in a functioning manner, but I also need to relax. I want to take on his eternal joy and excitement in life.

Now this of course is all very hard for me. It’s not in my nature, and I respond pretty negatively to criticism from others. I’m fully aware that there are people out there who are nodding their heads in agreement, but I’m not quite ready for criticism or advice. This is going to be a slow process of identifying my feelings, my triggers, my fears, my actions and working to change them.

Today I’m going to make two lists:

1. Things that are SO NI About Others:

(this is how Mr. Gaunt and I say “So Nice”)

-My Brother living with us helped immensely in paying for our wedding!

-My sister is going to take her hair certification test on Wednesday, and rock it!

-My Best friends Mallory and I sat and talked for like 6 hours on Saturday night.

-Jenny and Justin picked us to be Cecilia’s God Parents, we will Baptize her over Thanksgiving in Colorado!

-Our friend Drew ran a marathon yesterday, this is so inspiring.

-Mr. Gaunt understands the importance of us switching banks. We will finish our switch to the Credit Union this week.


2. Fears that are No NI that I’m Letting go of today:

(This how we say “not nice”)

-That my calves look fat in Ugg Boots (really they just look comfy)

-That my mom couldn’t go to dinner last night (she was tired and it was good for her to get some rest)

-That we have too much stuff (really we are overly blessed, and are still cleaning up from a wedding)

-That my job is boring (but I’m blogging and listening to NPR, so that’s cool)

I would also like to try to keep a positive attitude today about house work (laundry, dishes, cooking) and about my painting business! Both of which will be great as long as I get a little done every day without stress or anger or yelling.


Myself, Mypaint

The house is slowly but surely getting packed up.

I had my last therapy session yesterday. Paul (my therapist) has shown much concern over my recent struggles with depression and self-hatred. We have been working on things that can help me cope. With the move coming, we made plans for how I will continue my therapy in Washington.

Paul thinks I should find a personal counselor in Washington. This of course depends on budget and such, but I may look into it.  We talked a bit about how excited I was about all the new stuff that will be going on in our lives, and Paul says:

“You Know, you will be taking MORGAN to Washington too”

Meaning, it might look different, and feel different, but in the end, I am still me, and me and all my troubles will be traveling with us. Despite the initial excitement of change, I will have to face the fact that Washington will not cure me. That I am someone who struggles with my emotions and that I will need to watch myself. I will need to make honest efforts to change my behavior and my mood.

There are two BIG things that I am planning on working on.

1. Physical Fitness.

2. Social Interactions

I have struggled for years with both of these things, but I am genuinely committed to changing my patterns. It is whats best for  me and whats best for my relationship. So despite the uncomfortableness of both of those things, they are important. That’s about all I have to say about that for now.


In house news, we found out that our new lanlords are doing a  smidge of remodeling to our little house! There are whispers of new bathtubs, and re-finished wood floors….eeek!

Mr. Gaunt and I are going to pick out paint colors before I leave so we can make sure furniture doesnt clash. I plan to do all the painting in the month we are apart, but I wont have our furniture to compare it to, so we brought swatches home.

The hard thing with paint is that I currently LOVE our paint colors, but I MUST have change. Seriously. I’m just that kind of person, I need a fresh start. So that eliminates ALL grey-blue/periwinkles…buh bye. I love grey though, so I am switching it up a bit and doing warmer Grey…what the design world likes to call…

GREIGE (Grey+beige)

I’m also doing a super fun Peach laundry room/mud room, and a mustard in the bedroom! I know…color me crazy! I’m pretty stoked! Pictures for your inspiring mind:




That last one is just my dream wedding cake, it just happens to be in my color scheme too.  We also sold enough unwanted furniture to get some new items! I’m excited to find some new (used) stuff! Mom and I will need to do some thrifting!


Therapy and Fish

we had our 2nd to last therapy session tonight.

I talked  a bit about my depression and anxiety.

Paul asked me if I was ever suicidal. We came to the conclusion that I wouldn’t walk in front of a bus, but if a bus happened to be on top of me, its tough to say how hard I would work to get out from underneath it.

Not a great answer, not an awful answer.

I’m not depressed all the time, but I have my spurts. My days, sometimes my weeks.

Things have been hard with family and moving and money.

And although I love him to death, nothing has put quite the strain our relationship as working together for the last 6 months has. Seriously folks, don’t do it, it sucks. Now I wouldn’t undo the decision we made to work together, but it probably would have been much better if it had only been for a couple of months, not 6.  It also would have helped if we were working a job we both didn’t HATE! So yeah, we struggle with this one.

Paul gave me some pointers on how to drag myself out of this….funk.

1. Do a physical activity for at least 20 minutes a day. I’m gonna hit up the wii fit tonight. I’m also really hoping to join a gym when we move. I know I need to do this, but its hard.

2. Spend at least 15 minutes in direct sun. I’m a bit leery on this one, as I hate the sun, but I’ll give it a shot. This of course will be harder in Washington, but again, I’m not really sure that seasonal depression is my problem.

3. Socialize. Paul says that I have basically destroyed my self-esteem and self-worth by isolation myself. I have more or less no friends. I also strive to not socialize at work. I of course have a large support group of friends and family in Washington, however I need to put aside the fact that I am leaving in a month and go hang out with people here.

4. Meditate. I like this one a lot. I wish that Yoga wasnt so ungodly expensive as I like the physical and mental art of Yoga. I’m going to see if I can maybe do Yoga at my gym. Until then I’m thinking Mr. Gaunt and I might take up a little evening meditation time.

5. Fatty Omega. We splurged and bought Salmon at Costco the other day. Salmon for dinner tonight.

So that’s where I’m at. The only way to get better is to make changes in my life. I have not always felt this crappy, and I know that I have a lot going on and a lot coming up, but I still need to keep my head in check.

I’m hoping to have a phone date with my lovely Maid of Honor here soon so I’m off.