Still this fat.

GAP: Shirt $4.99 Pants $11.99

Yesterday I went to the Gap to browse their Clearance, I don’t even bother looking at the regular or Sale priced items…I just want Clearance. I really love the gap, well occasionally they have a bad season, but who doesn’t?  As I was trying on clothes, I really got to thinking about what exactly my style of clothing is, and how I feel about my body.

Old Navy $15

I have found it a little confusing to shop these days. For one thing, I was really hoping to weigh 25 pounds less right now (although I’m never quite sure I would even be happy there) and my body is sort of awkward. technically I am smaller than I was in highschool, but I would not say my body is the same. Unfortunately my skin isn’t quite as elastic as one would hope, and everything is sort of…soft. I’d say my legs, upper arms, and torso are the worst culprits.  And now when I want to wear a skirt and tank top, it’s all I can do to not sit there and poke and jiggle my saggy arms. Sure that skirt looks ok standing there, but sit down and the thighs are dimpled.

I tried on a bathing suit at Target the other day and wanted to cry (bathing suit shopping is the devil!). My legs LOOK like they have lost weight. No I don’t mean smaller, I mean they look like if you deflated a balloon and the rubber never really returned to its original size, sliding, sagging, puckering. Now I’m on the hunt for some sort of skirt like bathing suit, I don’t even care if it’s the Grandma Style!

My friend Jason wanted me and Mr. Gaunt to go with him to a water slide park this summer with his new TINY girlfriend. I told him I didn’t like water parks (which is tough to say because I havent been to one in 10+ years) but really in my head I was thinking Yeah right! I would rather chew off my own face than stand next to your 5’2″ 100 lb girlfriend in her tiny bikini! NO THANKS! It’s tough to say whether he would even care about my not so adorable bathing suit body. But I care.

I’ve had a few major self esteem meltdowns recently. More than I have had in a long time. I had a co-worker tell me recently how he HATES FAT PEOPLE because they are lazy, and if he ever started to gain any weight he would just work out. He told this to me in a way that meant Don’t you agree? And I stood there thinking, does he not think I am fat (although I have many times seen him point at girls smaller than me and claim they are too chunky) or is he secretly trying to tell me he hates me (I kind of think we are friends)  or does he just not think before he speaks. Its like when you hear people spew a “weight” without thinking: “Yeah, and this girl probably weighed like 200 pounds, she was HUGE” and you are standing there, weighing 200 lbs and you think: Oh really, was she as huge as me?

I know some people are just stupid and ignorant about weight issues, especially ones that have never dealt with any. But its hard to be around them, its hard to feel like everyone isnt judging you all the time. Its hard not to feel like the fattest person in the room.

I want to be proud of the weight I have lost, but I find myself avoiding telling people that I lost weight. Ashamed that I was once that size. Ashamed to say “I lost 75lbs, and yes I’m STILL this fat”

And my friends who have also lost weight, who are smaller than me and STILL not happy with themselves. I don’t want to be the fattest person I know, but you have got to stop obsessing! Please be happy with who you are! Please don’t use me as your self esteem booster, look I get to pass my fat pants on to Morgan. I’m trying so hard to love myself and be ok.

Mom and Me

And I miss my mom and my friends terribly. My mom has never in a million years made me feel anything but perfect, and no one has rooted harder for me during my weight loss. Being with her makes me feel beautiful and normal. And my dear friends who I stand next to and feel comfortable with myself, even the ones that are smaller than me. Who all say such sweet things to me, and would never let stupid things slip out of their mouths about my weight. Girls that I would stand next to in a bathing suit, even if I know they look better than me.

I miss that love and support. I wish I could be with them. I wish I could feel ok about myself. I wish I didn’t work with idiots. I wish I was with my mom and this Mother’s Day. I hope she knows how much she means to me.

“You’re Young, You’ll Bounce Back”

My mom has said this to me in the past, when I first started loosing weight. I suppose you’re wondering “What will bounce back?” Well people Im talking about skin…yup…your epidermis is showing (remember that joke?) Anyways this is something I have thought about and been aware of since I started loosing weight but didnt really talk about because who am I to complain about something that may not happen, or a little something bad that comes with something oh so good.

Oh yeah, Im talking about loose skin. Yup when you fill a balloon full of air, and let it sit blown up for a long time, by the time it deflates on its own it’s a shriveled piece of rubber. That happens with fat too. Cute huh!

I have heard many other bloggers talking about loose skin, some who already lost the weight and HAVE the loose skin, and some that are in the process and are worried about it. Yup it comes with the territory of loosing 50+ pounds, and I dont care what my mom says, just because Im young doesnt really mean “Ill bounce back.”

My little sister lost a fair amount of weight when she was like 14 (I think around 75lbs) and her skin on her stomach did the loose thing. People who get surgery to lose weight often have major excess skin because of how quickly they lost it. Now Im not loosing it quite as fast as them, but I am on the 100lbs in a year plan, which is pretty damn fast.

In the early stages of my weight loss I obviously didnt really notice my skin changing, but now at almost 55lbs lost I feel it….everywhere. Mostly my stomach (which has gotten the smallest) where I can kind of pull the skin at each side of my torso, not too cute. Or if Im in the bathroom sitting down I can feel it on my hips (or saddle bags?) where things are less perky. Boobs seem to be staying put but they havent really gone down in size. Oh and the WORST one is my under arms, yup I pretty sure they are a lost cause, they will forever be chicken wings, oh well.

Anyways Im not really bitching, just something I have noticed in the last few weeks. I am HAPPY to take loose skin for fat filled skin! This is just my weight loss blog so I thought I should share this…er…side affect?

Anyways here are some blog posts (from some of my fave weight loss blogs) about people dealing with this issue:

-Lost 115lbs

-Lost 180lbs

-Lost 65lbs

-Lost 80lbs

-Lost 170lbs

-Lost 100 (and had a tummy tuck)

 

puppies2

His skin is cute.