Did I age this year?

Happy Saturday folks!

I’m cleaning the house today, and Mr. Gaunt is watching the Broncos game. We are obviously in full on BRONCO MANIA here in this house. I pretend to care about the Broncos, but the truth is, I don’t. I don’t understand the game, and I find it boring. I also have a lot of negative opinions about the NFL and pro sports in general, but that aside. I have a Broncos shirt, I buy Mr. Gaunt Broncos stuff, and I claim the Denver Broncos as “My Team”, but seriously, I don’t care at all.  I decided a few years ago to support my husbands sports love, and I think it was a really good relationship decision. Its one of the more mature things I have done in our relationship. I could hate it, bitch about, and let it be a wedge between us, but instead I have accepted it. Honestly, it give us something to bond over (kind of), it makes Mr. Gaunt (and his friends) immensely happy, and it has taken the sports resentment out of our relationship. Not that I don’t occasionally want to scream SHUT THAT GAME OFF, or get pissed that we cant do something becasue the Broncos are playing, but in general, pretending to love the Broncos has been one of the best ways for me to ACTUALLY love my husband. Sad that they lost tonight.

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Which brings me to today’s post, growing up. I’m not talking about age (well, maybe I am) but maturity. I feel like in the last two weeks, since 2013 started, I have suddenly decided to think a little more before I speak. I have also decided to eliminate some of the “drama” that I watched on FB (not involved in, just voyeurism) because although it can be entertaining in the moment, I realized I was taking some of those feelings with me all day, and that is unhealthy. I am also trying really hard to not get involved in family judgement, be more respectful to Mr. Gaunt, and be overall happier with myself. Say what?

I read this list the other day:  15 Things That Will Guaranteed Happen to you in Your Twenties.

And while I don’t agree with all of them, numbers 1, 3, 4, 12/13, 14, and 15 ring pretty true. It made me realize, that YES I do really genuinely like myself, and instead of doing things that make me dis like myself, I really want to do things that make me pleased with myself. I also do not need the internet to hurt me! I am almost glad that my blog has remained some-what un-famous, as I couldn’t take negative comments. The internet is not worth ANY tears! From friends or strangers. I also have been thinking about deleting my Facebook should I get pregnant. I cant handle the judgement and commentary that comes with being a “social media mommy” it’s not for me.

Lastly I love my friends so much, and I honestly want to continue to better my relationships with them. It is so easy to not get together with people, and I have been really lazy about not traveling to see them. This year, I plan to really work on this. Starting with a trip to Portland at the end of the month!!! I just feel like my friends are so similar to me, and when I have children, I want them to be raised around people like Mr. Gaunt and I. I want my friends to be their extended family.

So yeah, I feel like I’m growing into maturity. Growing into happiness, and feeling more and more self assured. Plus I love the shit out of my husband, so that’s nice.

Every Excuse

I am not working out today.

It is the first day of my period.

I was stung by a wasp yesterday and my arm is swollen.

My house is a disaster.

I am tired.

I have to paint.

I have to ship a painting.

I have to edit a stencil.

My workout clothes are dirty.

I’m annoyed.

Its been an unpleasant morning. I’m just irritable (for all the above reasons) I’m sort of annoyed that my job is taking forever to replace one of the supervisors. I’m also annoyed in that I assumed I would be making friends at work (as I have done every year I worked there) but alas I only work with two very odd and very annoying older women. There are zero options for friend making. Bummer.

I just feel a little like something is wrong with me. I am incapable of making friends, because I am a bitch? I’m also mildly insecure and awkward. I’m sure you are all nodding your heads. I just don’t know how to change. Everything has changed so much since I was young. I fear that my four years of solitude in Colorado has made me completely incapable of socializing or meeting people.

SIDE NOTE: Everyone I know is having babies, I’m mildly jealous, but not really. I don’t want a baby now, just soon.

I have no idea how my weight loss is going this week as Mr. Gaunt hides my scale. This makes me angry. I’m a grown up, I should be able to weigh myself if I want to! I bought that scale! Hmmph.

I’m out of yogurt, and it’s only Wednesday. What will I do until Friday? Sell blood for yogurt?

Its one of those weeks.

 

Sunday Rainbows

Being a grown up is the hardest thing…ever.

I have to admit, words can not express how grateful I am that I am navigating “adult-hood” with such a wonderful man.

I am missing my therapist a bit today. I am missing being told that I am doing ok.  That I am right sometimes. That its ok for me to feel this way. That I am strong. That I am brave. That it is normal.

Family is hard.

Self esteem is hard.

Loss is hard.

Change is hard.

Bravery is hard.

Being without Mr. Gaunt is hard.

Sometimes Sundays are the MOST hard, the no fun, the breakdown-cryitout-reflect kinda day.

The sky is blinding in sun, but the rain is pouring. RAINBOW? (runs outside quickly to bring you this):

 

Like talking to everyone and no one, all at once.

I just got off work.

I came home to a messy house.

No real food.

A sink FULL of dishes.

Mr. Gaunt is at a friends watching football. Its his 30th birthday today.

I feel bad.

A little sad.

Always stressed.

I wish I could have a clean house and a good meal and some presents waiting for him.

I wish we could go get a Christmas tree and decorate the whole house all cute.

But it’s not going to happen, well I might clean up a bit.

I mentioned earlier that I’m dealing with a bit of depression.  I wont even attempt to explain why, because I honestly don’t know.

I’d say its working too much, but I don’t think that’s it.

I’d say its money problems. We have to pull $300 out of savings to cover rent this month. Not really what savings are for. And yes this is a huge stressor day in and day out.

It might be partially my real job, which has become the bane of my existence.

It might be that my social encounters  (due to lack of money, time, and friends) have come to a halt. As I rarely do anything with anyone my age anymore. Which is sad, especially when I hear of all my friends back home getting together over Holidays.

I know for a fact that I am anxious, and anxiety often causes me major stress which eventually leads to “hands thrown up, I give up” depression. As we are moving in 5 month, actually I’m leaving in 4.25 months. And therefore there are so many things to think about. Money, jobs, wedding, housing, family, friends, packing, roadtrip…etc. All of which is some what exciting, its just hard being in the planning stage and not the action stage.

And the Holidays, oh the holidays. I’m tortured between not giving a shit, and wanting it all to be like the movies. Do I want to spend time and money decorating when we are trying to save money and condense?  When our house is so full to the brim that one little project turns it into a complete disaster? Do I play the mom roll and insist we go get a tree, or do I sit back and hope he never suggests it either? There are days when it’s all I can do not to start packing…lol. I’m just that kind of person. I’m so excited to do Christmas back home (at no offense to anyone in Colorado) that its hard for me to do it here.

I don’t know. I’m a little lost right now, and although Mr. Gaunt is my love of all loves, I know he gets sick of hearing me talk about all of this. He is all I really have here though. He’s the only one who really knows me and my family and my goals, and never passes judgement. I KNOW that I have lots of great things in my life, and I KNOW it might be crazy to be a little depressed, but its how I feel and how I handle life at this point. I wish I felt better, but I cant just turn it on like a light switch. It will come in time.

So it’s a bit lonely.

It’s a waiting game.

Hoping for something better.

To wake up and feel good.

To be thankful.

To be satisfied.

Accomplishing life.

 

 

 

25 things I learned before turning 25

On September 12th I turned 25! Yippee! 25 to me feels like a nice grown up age, and I am happy to be here. And so in my old older age I would like to share 25 things I learned before turning 25:

1. Drama, as much fun as it seems at the time will never make you happy.

2. Relationships are a roller-coaster of hard work and smooth sailing.

3. You can always change your habits, it just takes desire.

4. Take care of the ones you love, and they will stay with you no matter how far away you are.

5. Forgiveness is for yourself, and no one else.

6. Treating your body good will reflect in all aspects of your life.

7. Men can change on their own, you just cant force them to do it.

8. Money will come and go, the stress it puts on you will stay much longer.

9. Behind every happy couple is an understanding of partnership. One that can not be broken.

10. Finding a happy medium between enjoying solitude and enjoying company is very difficult.

11. Nothing is a pressing as the one who’s pressing would like you to believe.

12. Family is a constant work in acceptance.

13. Opening up and sharing your insecurities makes others like you more, not less.

14. Everything in moderation.

15. Enjoy the seasons, they are one of the few constants in our lives and can always bring back memories we had forgotten.

16. You can say “I’ll never” as much as you want, it doesn’t mean its true.

17. It’s a comforting feeling to look back and realize your were a dumbass.

18. Prioritize happiness. Always.

19. If you can’t go to school, then you must let the world around you teach. Open your heart and mind to life’s lessons.

20. Reading lets your inner dialogue run wild. It’s good for the soul.

21. Find the little things to enjoy in the present. Waiting for the future is exhausting.

22. Find a partner who loves and respects you more every single day. It will bring such happiness.

23. Be the change you want to see in the world. And don’t let anyone tell you that you can’t help fix it.

24. Crying almost always makes me feel better.

25. Trust in yourself, trust in your friends, trust in your family.

I leave you with pictures from my birthday. Mr. Gaunt and I celebrate “Birthday week” the whole week before your birthday! It was the week before we got paid so we were a little broke.  Mr. Gaunt still wanted to do something sweet every day so he staked out areas around town that had little public gardens and he cut me fresh flowers every day!

It was the Broncos first game of the season on my birthday so I put on some Broncos apparel and pretended to root for them…lol! I have decided (since I really don’t care) to be a Broncos Fan for Mr. Gaunt. We will also be raising our children as Broncos fans, despite the fact that we will be in Washington. Its something that makes him happy, so I am happy to do it.

For dinner we dressed up and went to Sushi Den with Jenny and Justin. So yummy! I even got my favorite Green Tea Ice Cream to blow out my candle!