Berries and Blues

Its been a rough few days. I absolutely let what others think of me, make me doubt myself. I wouldn’t even say I’m over it. There sometimes feels like an over whelming amount of thing that I need to change about myself, that I don’t even know where to begin. I feel a bit like a loser.

I applied for a fulltime position at my job (a position that I was already doing, and was very much qualified for) but I didn’t get it. I got a stupid letter saying they chose another qualified candidate. It reminded me of Cheer tryouts in 9th grade, getting the letter that just says NOPE, and then letting your brain run wild with all the reasons why you suck. Too fat, too ugly, too opinionated, not happy enough, not smart enough, not unique or interesting….” I suppose I could ask my employer why it is exactly I didn’t get the job, but I feel it would only make things worse to have her confirm what I already know. I’m trying to quickly focus my energy on what my next step is. My job will probably end in the next 3-4 weeks, and I will need to decided what that means for me. I also like to tell myself things like “You don’t want a sit down job anyways” which is true. Sitting in a chair for 10 hours a day 6 days a week has totally made me gain 5 pounds. That’s an uphill battle I don’t think I want to fight. If you sit down for 40+ hours a week you have to eat PERFECT and work out HARD just to maintain your weight! GAH! I do not want to maintain my weight, I want to kick my weight to the curb!

This week we go back to 40 hours a week, so I will get off at 11pm! This is awesome, as now I can bring back my weight lifting in the evenings. When I got off at 1am there was no way in hell I could keep doing that. Now things can be more sane. I can eat healthier and it will all be better. Well I suppose the financial bit wont be better, but whatever.

Speak of financial. We let my brother move in with us at the beginning of Jully. He needed a cheap place to stay and we needed the extra money. He paid us one lump sum to stay here through the end of September. We will use this money to pay off all of our wedding vendors. This is a HUGE deal! I feel really fortunate that all of that will be taken care of.

We also scored MAJOR yesterday at Kinkos with our wedding invitations. For 2 weeks we had been trying to find a time to go get our invitation printed and cut with this one awesome guy who works there. However for many reasons we kept missing him. On Thursday afternoon we went in one more time and he was there, but super busy. He told us to come in really early on Friday morning and that he would have time to work one on one with us.

For our invitations we needed:

-40 full color prints (2 up)

-40 black and white prints (2 up)

-100 sheets cut to size.

When we had originally gone around to get price quotes Kinkos estimated that with the paper and the printing and cutting we were looking at $120. BUT he told us it would be about 1/2 that if we bought our own paper. I think I mentioned before that we ended up buying our paper on Sale at the paper zone about a month ago. For our design I had made digital files and measurements and put them on a USB drive to have printed. So Mr. Gaunt and I got up at 7:30 am yesterday and worked with “Cool Kinkos Man” for about an hour. Shockingly all of my files and sizes were perfect and the process was totally painless. Then the Kinkos guy ended up having to leave in an emergency (his wife ran out of gas in the middle of an intersection!) as he was leaving he told his coworker what to charge and said “I’ll throw in the cuts as a wedding gift” So his co worker rings us up and Mr.Gaunt hands him the coupon we had for 10% off. The guy looks at us and goes “I can’t use this, you didn’t reach the minimum, your total is $3.72″….uhhh….seriously? that’s right, we got all of invites printed and cut for $3.72! Amazing, I know.

I have to work my last Saturday today, then I get me weekends back! I’m going to try to have a good day today and to keep positive! Tomorrow I need to make something yummy with all our Raspberries that are ready!

Full Time, Thank God!

This week I start working FULL TIME!

This is awesome as to say Mr. Gaunt and I were poor would be the understatement of the year. This week things took a turn for the worst and we have like $5 between the two of us. I’m actually shocked that we have managed to get by so long on such limited funds, but its done. I will now be working at LEAST 40 hours a week, more if they offer it to me.

So my working out and blogging may lighten a little as I will have less free time.

However money will mean more wedding planning AND trips to Seattle (for Wedding shoes and Rita) Olympia (For Mallory) and Portland (for Kelli). All LONG over due trips.

Today Mr. Gaunt and I walked to the library to get some more books on tape for me at work. We jogged the first mile-ish then walked. Although we did stop to race up the stairs at Maritime Heritage Park. In total about 3 miles.

Alright its shower time, as I am cold and the chicken on the BBQ is almost done.

Like talking to everyone and no one, all at once.

I just got off work.

I came home to a messy house.

No real food.

A sink FULL of dishes.

Mr. Gaunt is at a friends watching football. Its his 30th birthday today.

I feel bad.

A little sad.

Always stressed.

I wish I could have a clean house and a good meal and some presents waiting for him.

I wish we could go get a Christmas tree and decorate the whole house all cute.

But it’s not going to happen, well I might clean up a bit.

I mentioned earlier that I’m dealing with a bit of depression.  I wont even attempt to explain why, because I honestly don’t know.

I’d say its working too much, but I don’t think that’s it.

I’d say its money problems. We have to pull $300 out of savings to cover rent this month. Not really what savings are for. And yes this is a huge stressor day in and day out.

It might be partially my real job, which has become the bane of my existence.

It might be that my social encounters  (due to lack of money, time, and friends) have come to a halt. As I rarely do anything with anyone my age anymore. Which is sad, especially when I hear of all my friends back home getting together over Holidays.

I know for a fact that I am anxious, and anxiety often causes me major stress which eventually leads to “hands thrown up, I give up” depression. As we are moving in 5 month, actually I’m leaving in 4.25 months. And therefore there are so many things to think about. Money, jobs, wedding, housing, family, friends, packing, roadtrip…etc. All of which is some what exciting, its just hard being in the planning stage and not the action stage.

And the Holidays, oh the holidays. I’m tortured between not giving a shit, and wanting it all to be like the movies. Do I want to spend time and money decorating when we are trying to save money and condense?  When our house is so full to the brim that one little project turns it into a complete disaster? Do I play the mom roll and insist we go get a tree, or do I sit back and hope he never suggests it either? There are days when it’s all I can do not to start packing…lol. I’m just that kind of person. I’m so excited to do Christmas back home (at no offense to anyone in Colorado) that its hard for me to do it here.

I don’t know. I’m a little lost right now, and although Mr. Gaunt is my love of all loves, I know he gets sick of hearing me talk about all of this. He is all I really have here though. He’s the only one who really knows me and my family and my goals, and never passes judgement. I KNOW that I have lots of great things in my life, and I KNOW it might be crazy to be a little depressed, but its how I feel and how I handle life at this point. I wish I felt better, but I cant just turn it on like a light switch. It will come in time.

So it’s a bit lonely.

It’s a waiting game.

Hoping for something better.

To wake up and feel good.

To be thankful.

To be satisfied.

Accomplishing life.

 

 

 

Please Forgive

I havent cooked anything worth photographing, nor anything else health related. And to be honest, all I really want to blog about is my life-woes (or non-woes) and my wedding. For this I am sorry that for the next 10 months I may be slightly useless as far as weight loss motivation.

And do I still plan on losing weight for the big day? Well it depends. I spent a good week doing the hunger diet. Oh whats that you ask? It’s where I don’t eat unless I am VERY hungry, and I always go to bed a little hungry. It might seem like starving yourself, but it’s not, I swear I eat. However in 10 days I lost 8 pounds. Yup 8 pounds in 10 days. Wanna guess how many days it took me to gain back? Ok I only gained back 4 pounds, but as you can see I can drop weight and pack it on like its my job! Ha! So I really feel like its futile. I know I eat healthy. I eat when I’m hungry. I make good choices. I don’t work out at a gym, but I have a pretty labor intensive job (for instance last week I was harnessed onto a moving platform 20 feet in the air, where I had to hold a cordless circular saw to cut down a 50 foot wall for a 45 minutes!). I don’t know. I mostly wanted to lose weight for the dress, but over the last few days (and after a dress trying on Hell) I realized that I DO want to look and feel like myself. I want to be comfortable and happy, not stressed. And so I may continue to work on it a little, but I’m going to give a good effort in not stressing. I’m also re thinking my entire feeling on dresses, even lowering my previous budget of **trying to find one under $700*** to insisting on spending less than $250!

So that’s that.

The holidays are coming up! This is nice and not so nice. Again its hard for me to get excited when A. I have so many other plans and things I’m focusing on (especially financially) and B. I’m not with my family. However they are here, and its our first “engaged” Christmas and our last “Not-Married” Christmas so I want to celebrate!

Mr. Gaunt and I have decided to get each other undergarments for Christmas…lol! Seriously. We both are in dire need of all new underwear, socks, undershirts, camis and bras. So that’s what we are getting each other! Lots and lots of underwear! Whats not to like? That way we are buying useful things and not stuff we don’t need. We are moving AND getting married so purchasing other stuff seems silly right now.

We are doing Thanksgiving at Ms. G’s house again. It’s always a good time of cooking and sitting on the porch and drinking Champagne. She’s already planning the menu, and has some amazing Kale recipes in the works! I’ll be making pies, because I like that.

Mr. Gaunt’s Birthday is the 28th, and I want to get him a new portable DVD player. I think I might (for the first time ever) attempt to hit up Target and maybe Best Buy on Black Friday to see if I can’t get a good deal. I don’t have to work that morning, so why not? Im also hoping to get a dinner party at a restaurant planned for his actual birthday, since it’s the big 3-0 and all.

Lastly I have ordered some pieces to put together little surprises for my bridesmaids that will go out next week…eek! And I have a graphic designer working on a quote for all of our paper wedding goods (invites and such) that I will get tonight. Fingers crossed I can afford it!

Last but not least I leave you with a few recipes to remind you how diverse and amazing Kale is! Use it in your Holiday meals!:

Kale Pesto Spread (click the photo to go to the recipe)

Chinese Noodles with Kale and Mushrooms (click the photo to go to the recipe)

Mashed Potatoes and Kale (click the photo to go to the recipe)

Vegan Sweet Potato, Corn, and Kale Chowder

A Means to an End

We had our first craft fair yesterday. It was exhausting and long, and we put a lot of work and money into it. In the end we passed out over 100 forms of advertisement, and made one little sale. We really weren’t there to sell, so that’s ok. We got lots of great feedback, and now I’m just waiting to see if any emails come in. They’d have to right?

Today I have to work from 1-5 at my part-time job, and then of course tomorrow i work 6-2:30 and the 4-8. I’m a little overwhelmed to say the least. I just feel sad and tired. I also just got paid on Friday and am broke. I’m trying to put all the money I can into savings, but it just feels like we every month we have to pull it back out to pay some stupid bill.  I feel like I work all the time, and I don’t spend any money, and I’m still completely drowning. I don’t know what to do.

And my real full-time job is awful. I feel like crying most days that I am there. It’s so bad, so mindless, so frustrating.

And I know why we are doing this. I know that if I ever want to be back in Washington that this is what I have to do. And it WILL be worth it. Just the thought of another stupid Holiday season coming up where I am stuck here while my family all gets together and enjoys each others company breaks my heart. I don’t even want to celebrate christmas this year. We really do not have any money to be buying gifts, and we really do NOT need anything in return. I’d rather just pretend it wasn’t Christmas like I did the first year I was here.

I was actually looking through some friends photos on Facebook. They had a bunch of pictures on fun vacations, Europe, New York, mexico, places both Mr. Gaunt and I would like to go. And I realized that the two of us have never really gotten to take a REAL vacation. We always go back to Washington, which is wonderful, but not really a real vacation. And I’m so excited to finally be home and to feel like I’m not wasting precious family time if I go somewhere else. I so want to travel with Mr. Gaunt, he has been so few places. I really wish that we could go on a honeymoon, even if it was a little ways after the wedding. Maybe New York for Christmas or something. It will all depend on money and jobs.

Speaking of jobs. Mr. Gaunt is going to transfer his job to Washington, but for a few reasons, some controlled by me, some not, I will not be able to transfer my job. This is 100% fine with me. I would rather live in a studio apartment than work that job any longer. Mr. Gaunt is planning on going to Nursing school in the Winter of 2011, and maybe taking some pre-reqs before that. I’m not exactly sure what I will be doing. My mom has talked about some possible options for work, and I really do plan to pursue the paintings more. If we move to Bellingham we have a studio space that we can use to store and even sell our paintings out of.

It’s all still a bit up in the air, and I just have to remember that my weekends being cut short and my bank account being empty will all be worth it in the end.  Being home again.

I leave you with a pretty adorable video made about my home town. I pretty much wanna cry every time I watch.

Why I dont feel like a bride.

I’ll warn you now, its been a hard week, and an awful day. My spirits are at an all time low and I can’t shake it. With that being said I’ve felt this way for a while, and feel Id like to share it.

I had tentative plans today to go try on wedding dresses today with Jenny and Mr. Gaunt’s mom. I more or less ignored these plans and made no appointments. I don’t want to try on dresses, at all, ever.

To me a bride is beautiful and elegant and grown up. A bride is confident and romantic and graceful. I am none of these things, at least I don’t feel like I am.

I also feel completely lost on what “bride style” I am. If anyone remembers the Sex and The City episode where Carrie is thinking of marrying Aiden and she and Standford are looking through bridal magazines: Am I Peekaboo Bride?

They all seem a little overwhelming, a little too much.

I didn’t talk about it on here, but ring shopping was pretty unpleasant for me. I cried, multiple times. Friends of ours who were married last year told us that ring shopping was the most fun they had. That he loved watching his fiancée get all girly and get to try on all the rings and pick out the one she wanted. This was not what ring shopping was for me.

First off, we had a major budget, which I have no shame in sharing. We really couldn’t afford anything, but we each worked overtime for two days and managed to put away $400 for the ring. Mr. Gaunt paid $250 and I paid the rest. Were practical people like that. However there are very few rings in the “under $500” range, and although I LOVE my ring, it was hard to find.  And another thing, when you go to try on rings they are all in one size, maybe a 6? And I’m a 7.75 so nothing fit. How unsatisfying is it to try your engagement ring on your pinky?..Very.

The whole thing made feel like poor fat shit. I didn’t belong there, who was I to be spending money on a ring? It was embarrassing and sad, and I will probably never do it again. Just order me a wedding ring at half.com.

I fear that wedding dress shopping will be the same. I’ve watched plenty of Say Yes To The Dress to know how they use big fat plastic clamps to try to hold some plus size bride into some unflattering taffeta mess. No Thanks! Or how strapless gowns make your back fat bulge and how all dresses are sleeveless and make your arms look huge and awful. Its sounds like hell!

And I’m trying so fucking hard to lose weight! It’s so freaking unfair! I started trying to run (which I hate) I watch every single thing I put into my mouth! I weigh myself, I drink water, I poop regularly! And you know what? I’m STILL 14 pounds over my lowest weight and even if I lose 3 pounds, I could gain it all back in an hour! ITS BULL! It’s not fair that I have to struggle and obsess and worry about it all the time and I’m still a freaking SIZE 16!!!!!!

Fair, that’s what it comes down to, it’s not fair.

money is the other thing. At this point I feel like some spoiled brat who thinks she is going to get a wedding, but who the hell is going to pay for it? We don’t have any money, and what little we do put into savings will be going to moving, not to wedding. We will be lucky to have enough just to get settled in.  And unfortunately no one in either of our families has money or sees the importance of paying for things like a professional photographer, or a nice dress. And I’m not saying they should have to, but is it really too much to want nice wedding photos to last a life time? Have I not shown the world how important photography is, and how hard I try to document Mr. Gaunt and my life together! DO I NOT DESERVE SOME FREAKING PROFESSIONAL WEDDING PICTURES?!!!!!!!!!!And I WANT to pay for them myself, Id just like others to support that decision and not make me feel like I’m being frivolous and stupid.

And they’re right, and I agree that I wish it was only $500 to hire a photographer, but it’s not! Most of them start at $1000-$2000 and only go up. And there’s nothing I can do about it.

Yeah and wedding dresses are expensive too! And when I go in there and they ask me what my budget is, saying $400 is not going to go over well. And no I’m sorry but I don’t think its fun to try on super fancy dresses that I can’t afford. I would never go into a car lot and test drive a Audi, same goes for dresses.

I don’t know. Like I said its a hard time right now, and I’m not sure where to go or who to turn to. you know the funny thing is, the one person who I think would be the most fun to go wedding dress shopping with, is Mr. Gaunt. I love shopping with him. He is fun and so nice, and just makes me feel like a million dollars. It may be non-traditional, but he’s a brides best friend.

So that’s the end of my rant, the plan is to drop $40 pounds and save $4000 and maybe I’ll go put a wedding dress on. Today is not that day, tomorrow doesn’t look good either.

Oh and despite the fact that I don’t like ME in a wedding dress, doesn’t mean I don’t LOVE a wedding dress. So I leave you a few of my favorites:

Yes I definitely have a style I like, and yes it includes pockets. (=