Finding Focus

I’m having a bit of a struggle these days finding something to focus on, and feeling strong enough to actually do anything. A killer headache that lasted all day today made me feel fat, lazy and sad. I feel like the wedding really took a lot out of me, and mellowing down is both much need, and frustratingly difficult for me. I WANT to do nothing, but after a few hours of laying around I feel the internal struggle of my mind saying “You should be doing something!” Sigh.

Mr. Gaunt

my momma

The wedding also produced a lot of stuff and a lot of garbage. Lots. It’s taken us 3 weeks to get it all under control, and we still have boxes of stuff to sell or give away, and wedding gifts to find a home. Before we moved I had made an honest effort to downsize and get rid of all the extra STUFF, but now its back! Gah! A lot of it has to do with the fact that there are 3 grownups living in a pretty small 2 bedroom house, plus my sister has some stuff in our garage, and we have a bunch of wedding stuff. On top of that, our neighborhood LOVES to give stuff away for free, and the men in my house love to scoop that stuff up. We have an excess of patio furniture, chairs, tools, etc in our garage, all that we got for free.  Needless to say I foresee a garage sale in the spring. We are also sharing 1 dresser and 1 TINY (like 3 feet wide) closet between the two of us, and that just sucks!

My job right now is well…boring. It is what it is, it’s not the worst thing in the world. The biggest problem is that it gives me way too much time to think about things. I sit and think about all the things I should do, with my job, my blog, my life in general. Its frustrating. I so want to have the strength and energy to move forward on some of my projects, but for whatever reason, I’m just not able to. I often think I need a partner (not Mr. Gaunt) to be the 2nd half to push me into something. My job is also making me take 5 unpaid weeks off before January 27th…eeek!

Lastly, my weight. I had planned to give myself a month off after the wedding, to chill out. To eat what I want, and not workout. I’m 3 weeks in, and I feel like shit, absolute shit. I feel fat and bloated, my skin feels bad, I feel tired and weak all over. Before the wedding, despite not having lost much weight, I actually felt really strong and fit. I was running 12-15 miles a week, eating small healthy foods, and felt pretty good. Cutting myself off from all of that (as fun as it might have seemed) has made me feel awful. I think tomorrow I will go running again (which I can now do outside as it’s not too hot) and ditch the sweets, cheese, cream, fat, carbs. I need more lean proteins, vegetables and water in my diet…STAT! I actually haven’t stepped on a scale in over a month, and I’d like to feel comfortable enough to do so by the time we go to Colorado (November 26th).

So for now I’m working through each day, trying to let life flow naturally and not stress about what I should be doing, could be doing, or want to be doing.  Oh and the pictures through out this post are just random fall fun (:

 

Waiting For Nothing To Do

As much as I loved moving, loved switching jobs, love planning a wedding, I do not love always having to do something.

I of course know that I have made all of these choices on my own, and I am glad I did, but I’m tired. Every day I wake up with a list of things to do….

I get up

I eat breakfast

I workout

I blog

I do the dishes, or some laundry

we water the garden

we think about lunch plans

we get coffee

I accomplish at least 1 wedding related task, usually envolving an errand

I go to work

I come home

I go to bed.

DO IT AGAIN!

Even on my day (only 1) off I either spend time with my family and not get shit done, or vis versa.

I know that I am a list maker, a planner, a girl with a project. Right now I have way too many projects. I like to think I could pass some of these tasks on to someone else, but I’m also anal and controlling. I wouldn’t even know where to start in dolling out duties. Not that I don’t occasionally lie around the house and do nothing, I do that too. But while I’m doing that I’m usually at least thinking or worrying about what I should be doing. Or I’m blogging, or making lists, or looking up ideas online. It kind of non stop in my head.

I really miss cooking. I miss being domestic and just keeping my house nice. The thought of spending every evening making dinner and sitting on the patio (that we don’t even have time to use) with Mr. Gaunt and just chilling out sounds amazing. Instead its making boutonniers, and having stuff printed, and doing paintings, and trying to lose weight….the list goes on.

After the wedding hopefully we can take a REAL Honeymoon and just spend a week doing NOTHING but enjoying each others company and being blissful newlyweds! No moving, no planning, no job switching, just living day to day life….nice.

We should be here…

 

 

Sunday Rainbows

Being a grown up is the hardest thing…ever.

I have to admit, words can not express how grateful I am that I am navigating “adult-hood” with such a wonderful man.

I am missing my therapist a bit today. I am missing being told that I am doing ok.  That I am right sometimes. That its ok for me to feel this way. That I am strong. That I am brave. That it is normal.

Family is hard.

Self esteem is hard.

Loss is hard.

Change is hard.

Bravery is hard.

Being without Mr. Gaunt is hard.

Sometimes Sundays are the MOST hard, the no fun, the breakdown-cryitout-reflect kinda day.

The sky is blinding in sun, but the rain is pouring. RAINBOW? (runs outside quickly to bring you this):