The Mood, The Body, and The New Year

With the holidays past and the present too far off, I am left to stir.

And itch and scratch and bitch and batch?

We have therapy on Wednesday…thank the lord! I could use someone to pay to listen to me cry.

I had a few days where I didn’t regularly take my 5HTP. Is that really what threw my emotions to the wolves?

I’m extra uncomfortable in my body these days . I think it knows that it’s in change mode. It also knows that it has to put on a big white dress in the near future. It’s a bit pissed off. I’m a bit pissed off at it too.

I might be the best and worst planner. I plan until I freak out and then I don’t follow through with the plan or the freaking out.  I’m very unproductive.

I also worry too much about the shit I don’t have or can’t make happen. I’m very un-content.

Here are the goals for the next 24 hours. I’m trying to live in the present…or the VERY near future:

1. Find my cell phone.

2. Make Chili for lunches tomorrow

3. Make some stir fry for tonight’s dinner

4. straighten the mess a bit

5. Think real hard about getting more 5HTP

6. Watch a movie with Mr. Gaunt

7. Make my car payment

8. Email back 3 new customers

9. Make 2 new stencils

10. Not cry or say nasty things to people who do not deserve, nor want to hear nasty things yelled at them.

Tonight we packed Nic Naks and Christmas. We have made a calendar of WEEK-BY-WEEK packing and organizing, to reduce the stress of doing too much at once. I tackled Christmas and Nic Naks, and Mr. Gaunt went through all of our CD’s and organized and purged. Little by little.

Like talking to everyone and no one, all at once.

I just got off work.

I came home to a messy house.

No real food.

A sink FULL of dishes.

Mr. Gaunt is at a friends watching football. Its his 30th birthday today.

I feel bad.

A little sad.

Always stressed.

I wish I could have a clean house and a good meal and some presents waiting for him.

I wish we could go get a Christmas tree and decorate the whole house all cute.

But it’s not going to happen, well I might clean up a bit.

I mentioned earlier that I’m dealing with a bit of depression.  I wont even attempt to explain why, because I honestly don’t know.

I’d say its working too much, but I don’t think that’s it.

I’d say its money problems. We have to pull $300 out of savings to cover rent this month. Not really what savings are for. And yes this is a huge stressor day in and day out.

It might be partially my real job, which has become the bane of my existence.

It might be that my social encounters  (due to lack of money, time, and friends) have come to a halt. As I rarely do anything with anyone my age anymore. Which is sad, especially when I hear of all my friends back home getting together over Holidays.

I know for a fact that I am anxious, and anxiety often causes me major stress which eventually leads to “hands thrown up, I give up” depression. As we are moving in 5 month, actually I’m leaving in 4.25 months. And therefore there are so many things to think about. Money, jobs, wedding, housing, family, friends, packing, roadtrip…etc. All of which is some what exciting, its just hard being in the planning stage and not the action stage.

And the Holidays, oh the holidays. I’m tortured between not giving a shit, and wanting it all to be like the movies. Do I want to spend time and money decorating when we are trying to save money and condense?  When our house is so full to the brim that one little project turns it into a complete disaster? Do I play the mom roll and insist we go get a tree, or do I sit back and hope he never suggests it either? There are days when it’s all I can do not to start packing…lol. I’m just that kind of person. I’m so excited to do Christmas back home (at no offense to anyone in Colorado) that its hard for me to do it here.

I don’t know. I’m a little lost right now, and although Mr. Gaunt is my love of all loves, I know he gets sick of hearing me talk about all of this. He is all I really have here though. He’s the only one who really knows me and my family and my goals, and never passes judgement. I KNOW that I have lots of great things in my life, and I KNOW it might be crazy to be a little depressed, but its how I feel and how I handle life at this point. I wish I felt better, but I cant just turn it on like a light switch. It will come in time.

So it’s a bit lonely.

It’s a waiting game.

Hoping for something better.

To wake up and feel good.

To be thankful.

To be satisfied.

Accomplishing life.

 

 

 

Feeling Separated

I have apparently abandoned my blog a bit. This wasn’t really intentional, I just got busy, and for some reason for the first time in over a year I felt annoyance at posting here.

A lot has been going on, and a lot more will happen in the next year. Some is very exciting, and some is very scary.  Sometimes I feel lost and overwhelmed at all that I have to think about. I get so over worked in my head that I end up pushing everything out in tears and frustrations.

This summer is much hotter and drier than last summer, and if you know me this puts me in quite the mood. I have always felt I have reverse seasonal depression, heat pushes me over the edge. I’m also very anxious about our move, money, wedding, the works, and I’m finding it a bit hard to lean on anyone. Although I do have friends here, its hard for me to really talk with them or open up when my entire goal is to move away. I find that the entire idea of moving is pushing some of my Colorado people further and further from me. I don’t mean to create this tension with people, I’m just a little separated.

I’ve spent the last 4 years here trying to make a bit of a life for myself. I know that a lot of people think I have spent four years bitching about moving, but I feel that they aren’t really giving me credit for all the life steps I have taken here. Jobs, relationships, health, therapy, friends. I really feel like I gave it a shot, but I am ready to move on. I am ready to settle down into a place that is more my own. I’m ready to go back.

I feel rather stagnant with where I am. My job has become challenging with boredom. My health has become lulled with little change. My apartment’s flaws are slowly creeping over its perks.  Its all getting a bit to worn around the edges.

I also worried about the strengths of my relationships back home. I worry that I have caused permanent damage in way of neglect. I worry that my siblings and I will never re connect. I worry that my grandparents think I don’t care anymore. I worry that my parents have gotten so use to me being gone that I will feel like a burden being back. I mean I know they all love me, but the last four years have changed things, and now more than ever I am craving a family closeness that I’m not sure I will get back. The want for big family bbq’s and christmas’ at Grandmas. The long coffee camps with my dad, where he seems less awkward and I feel less strained. The sharing of clothes and life plans with my sister. I would have liked nothing more than to be celebrating our engagement with everyone, it just hasn’t worked out that way.

I want/need something to change a bit, that’s just the kind of person I am. I need some motivation amongst all the heat.

Mr. Gaunt and I are planning to join 24hour fitness again in September. I think we are ready to take the next step to drop the last 30-40 pounds and tone up our bodies. I’m hoping that we can make it a routine, a passion, a way of life. I’m also in serious need of purging. Id LOVE to have a big garage sale, I just don’t have a garage. If anyone want to let us borrow theirs that would be great! We just need to declutter a bit.

And so we carry on. I plan to get back into blogging, it really does make me feel better. And hopefully I will share some more food and adventures along the way!

What I Call “a hard day”

the morning started out odd when I woke up to no Mr. Gaunt. He had fallen asleep on the couch. I made coffee in my new coffee maker, which is so nice to have. From there things just got blah.

In the past week I have gotten overly excited about babies. Babies and Weddings. At this moment I have neither, at this moment I would like both. I am very very excited to have babies, and so is Mr. Gaunt for that matter, we just have to wait a little while longer. I told myself I want to be skinny for at least a full year before I got pregnant, and in that year I would like to get married.

We are not engaged, we are engaged to be engaged. (=

So this morning I was entertaining myself with one of my secret guilty pleasures (shh dont tell) http://www.babynames.com, picking through the ones I like and asking Mr. Gaunt for his opinions. And although this always brings me joy, it eventually brings me to worries (oh did you not know that I’m a worrier?) about everything that babies and weddings might bring. Money, house, time, jobs, my weight…the list goes on. So here I am 10am and I’m in a funk.

Then football comes on. I hate sports, all of them. I actually really dont mind playing sports, but watching sports…yuck! So the game is on and Mr. Gaunt is fully engrossed, and I sit and worry. Later I call my mom to just chat, but she is having some vehicle freak out and can’t talk. I hang up and worry about her too.

Around two I take a shower and weigh myself. Things have looked better. I stare in the mirror and pull at loose skin and think how I wish I looked better naked. How I don’t want to eat for the rest of the day because I have weigh in tomorrow. Im irritated that my body looks like this and that every week I have to step on a stupid scale. I am now pissed that I am not more appreciative of my weight loss. I go to get dressed and can only find one bra with a broken underwire. I pull on a hoodie to hide my bra-less boobs.

We go to Target to get pictures printed for our Christmas cards. I decide that I MUST purchase a new bra. I grab 8 bras and head to the fitting room, I am only allowed 6. I grab 38 C’s and 36 C’s. None of them fit. The fitting room lady looks pissed when I hand her 6 bras that are all hung wrong on the hangers. I call Mr. Gaunt and tell him how upset I am that I can’t find a bra and he comes to find me. I show him all the cute little colorful bras I want to buy and tell him they don’t fit. They are all too big or too small or dig into my back fat or pinch or sag. I hate them all. I then show him the old lady bras with the thick straps and thick sides. I grab a 36 C and take it to the fitting room It is cream and lacey and ugly, it fits perfect, I buy it.

We have to go pick up my car at Mr. Gaunt’s mom’s house. We stop at Taco bell where I want a Chicken Fresco soft taco. I order the burrito on accident and it has cheese and refried beans (which I hate) and I cry and refuse to eat it. When we get to his mom’s house we go upstairs where she is looking on the computer at my blog. She tells me I looked unhappy in my fat pictures but happy in my newer skinny pictures. I am sad that we are talking about me being fat, and even sadder that I feel unhappy right now. I cry more and we hug.

I have to drive my car home by myself and my windows are dirty so the lights of the oncoming traffic blurs my view. I talk to Mr. Gaunt in the car behind me as we drive home. I feel safe knowing he is driving right behind me.

When we get home I try on new clothes that Pro gave me. The two pairs of pants that should fit are too big, but the dress looks pretty. I get a text from Kelli telling me how much she weighs, inspired by my previous post, she weighs less than I do. I am sad and happy. For a minute I want to tell her so bad what I weigh but I don’t. I am ashamed. I wont lie.

I talk to my mom again and we make summer plans to go to the island where my family had a cabin. I am excited and worried. Im afraid these plans wont come true. I miss home. I get off the phone with her and feel a little better. I check my blog updates and see a post from Nie Nie, one of my favorite blogs. An article has been written about her journey over the last year of recovering from a plane crash with 85% of her body burned. I want to cry for her. I am so happy for this woman I don’t even know, that she is alive today and although her body isn’t what she wants, it’s what she has. She can hold her babies and kiss her husband. And I know that my day wasnt that hard.

FIFTY POUNDS in FIVE MONTHS!

Ok so 5 months was October 4th…but still! Tonight I went to my weigh in (which by the way was the best meeting ever! But more on that later) really hoping to lock in my 50lbs. Now like I have said before my scale has said 50lbs lost for a while now, but you have to get at least 2lbs below that number for it to show up on the WW scale…so…Tonights weigh in read..

2.4lbs lost!

Thats 50.6 pounds total..woop woop! Go me! Can you tell Im pretty thrilled about this? (=

In equally silly news I totally teared up at my meeting! Ha! Yeah I was THAT GIRL, the one that cries in front of a crowd of people…sigh. We had a substitute leader who I LOVED, some of the leaders are a little too positive “GO TEAM!” style, but this one was really down to earth and a little bitch…thats my kinda lady. And the topic was Putting Yourself First which I relate to really well cause Im a selfish bitch because the last 5 months have been about putting myself and my weight loss first. I mean I quit my job and got  a new one because I needed a lifestyle that worked for me! So then we had awards and I talked about my fifty pounds and then got all choked up and just wanted to ball and gush about my love for my new lifestyle. Im a dork. Anyways things went really well and I really feel on track for my January goal. Oh and look over there at the goals…another one met! —–>

And a picture from today to mark what I look like after losing 50lbs:

Always a before (to add dramatic effect):

Yeah remember this one!

Yeah remember this one!

After loosing 50 pounds:

Kind of a goofy pose

Kind of a goofy pose