Therapy and Fish

we had our 2nd to last therapy session tonight.

I talked  a bit about my depression and anxiety.

Paul asked me if I was ever suicidal. We came to the conclusion that I wouldn’t walk in front of a bus, but if a bus happened to be on top of me, its tough to say how hard I would work to get out from underneath it.

Not a great answer, not an awful answer.

I’m not depressed all the time, but I have my spurts. My days, sometimes my weeks.

Things have been hard with family and moving and money.

And although I love him to death, nothing has put quite the strain our relationship as working together for the last 6 months has. Seriously folks, don’t do it, it sucks. Now I wouldn’t undo the decision we made to work together, but it probably would have been much better if it had only been for a couple of months, not 6.  It also would have helped if we were working a job we both didn’t HATE! So yeah, we struggle with this one.

Paul gave me some pointers on how to drag myself out of this….funk.

1. Do a physical activity for at least 20 minutes a day. I’m gonna hit up the wii fit tonight. I’m also really hoping to join a gym when we move. I know I need to do this, but its hard.

2. Spend at least 15 minutes in direct sun. I’m a bit leery on this one, as I hate the sun, but I’ll give it a shot. This of course will be harder in Washington, but again, I’m not really sure that seasonal depression is my problem.

3. Socialize. Paul says that I have basically destroyed my self-esteem and self-worth by isolation myself. I have more or less no friends. I also strive to not socialize at work. I of course have a large support group of friends and family in Washington, however I need to put aside the fact that I am leaving in a month and go hang out with people here.

4. Meditate. I like this one a lot. I wish that Yoga wasnt so ungodly expensive as I like the physical and mental art of Yoga. I’m going to see if I can maybe do Yoga at my gym. Until then I’m thinking Mr. Gaunt and I might take up a little evening meditation time.

5. Fatty Omega. We splurged and bought Salmon at Costco the other day. Salmon for dinner tonight.

So that’s where I’m at. The only way to get better is to make changes in my life. I have not always felt this crappy, and I know that I have a lot going on and a lot coming up, but I still need to keep my head in check.

I’m hoping to have a phone date with my lovely Maid of Honor here soon so I’m off.

Should We Grow Up?

I’ve mentioned before that Mr. Gaunt and I have been attending couples counseling (sort of pre-marital) for about 2 months now. I don’t talk about it much (with anyone, not just my blog readers) but we really enjoy going. We usually go once a week for an hour, and the topics range every week. Sometimes we talk about Mr. Gaunt and I, our future plans (children, marriage, etc) sometimes we talk about our families and how we were raised. We often talk (at least at the beginning of each session) about work, he seems to take an interest in Mr. Gaunt and I’s place of employment. I actually really like our therapist, he’s got tough love. He tells us when we are being kind of irrational, he helps us learn to work through our problems, but he also knows when to pat us on the back. Both Mr. Gaunt and I have been through a lot this past year, with our weight loss, job changes, attempting our own business, etc. He thinks we are smart capable people, he says we have more life knowledge and skills than most college graduates (neither Mr. Gaunt or I have yet to go to College.)

Tonight we talked a bit about “needing to grow up” and how we both need to focus on “selling ourselves” and “finding a career path that we can excel in” because if we want to do the family thing, we not only need to make more money, but we ned to be happy. I wouldn’t say I’m unhappy with my job, in fact its better than a lot of retail jobs I have had. I do struggle a bit with authority, with basic corporate rules and plans. I often have ideas that I really can’t put into action because it’s too hard to jump through the hoops and get others on board when so much already needs to get done. I also work with a wide array of people, ranging from the 18-year-old right of highschool still living with their parents, to the college graduate in transition to their “dream job” and with some older retired professionals just trying to wind down. It’s hard to find your place among so many characters. I wont lie, I may be kind of vain, but I like to excel, be really good at something, shine. Sometimes in a big corporation its hard to stand out.

Mr. Gaunt struggles with the same things, although he is usually more content with the day-to-day. I personally feel that Mr. Gaunt is AMAZINGLY smart and talented, and could do so much more with his skills. He just struggles with finding the next stepping stone.

For me the ultimate goal is to be able to work from home, or at least part-time from home. When we have children, I want to be there for them, I want to go on field trips, make them healthy meals, watch them grow up. I also want to make our family money, doing something I love. My mom worked from home most of my childhood (when she wasnt in school) and I remember always feeling so lucky that she was usually home when we needed her. She owned her own business and was very successful being creative. I want that. I have tried a few smaller scale things with my “artistic talent” I had an Etsy Shop (click on the SOLD ITEMS to view what I made) but didn’t feel like I had really found my niche. I love Food Photography, and would love to do more with it, but I need a better camera, and I need to take a class or too. I also need to put Photoshop on my lap top (where I do most of my blogging, maybe I will do this tonight). Cooking has also become a big passion of mine, and Id love to continue on the Food blogging route.

Which brings me to my next thing. I’ve been thinking a lot about my blog recently, its focus, its appearance, its name. And I really feel like it might be time for an UPGRADE! I want my blog to have more of a customized theme, more gadgets, possible ad space for sale (classy not tacky or obnoxious) and maybe a name that says more “Healthy Lifestyle” and less “Weight Loss”. I’ve been doing a bit of research, and some money will need to be invested, but I think its worth it!  I plan on fully researching it all before I make any changes, and of course all my archives will be there to see as well. Id like it to be more user-friendly and more professional. Mr. Gaunt and I have also talked about taking a creative writing class so I can work on my writing skills. A photography class is also MUCH needed when I upgrade my camera (all photography classes require you at least have a camera that can change lenses). So that’s what I’ve been thinking about. Id love any advice from anyone who has done a blog upgrade, or a life upgrade!

Until then we will keep putting along with dreams swirling in our heads.

Oh and because this IS a foodie blog, I actually made something from my list! My first salad dressing!

I followed the following recipe, only I didn’t have WHITE balsamic vinegar, only brown, which is why mine isnt as vibrant green. This was put on a salad paired with Mr. Gaunt’s Chili (plus a bag of frozen broccoli florets thrown in per my request)

Avocado & Cilantro Dressing

From The Guilty Kitchen

1 large ripe avocado
3/4 bunch cilantro (about 1 cup loosely packed)
juice of 1 lime
juice of 1 lemon
1/4 cup extra virgin olive oil
1 clove garlic, grated or minced
1-2 Tbsp red wine vinegar
1/4 cup white balsamic vinegar

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1. Scoop out flesh of avocado and place in blender or food processor.

2. Add cilantro, citrus juices, garlic, vinegars and olive oil.
3. Blend on high until emulsified. You may want to add more olive oil and vinegar/citrus juices to thin out. This dressing is quite thick, but if you add too much liquid, it does take away from the delicate flavour of the avocado.

A Skinny Dress and Couples Therapy!

So my lovely Pro has been more or less two sizes smaller than me throughout our weight loss journey. This has been a huge PLUS because that means she gives me her pants that she grows out of just in time for me to start shrinking into them.  Pro (that skinny bitch!) decided to skip a whole size recently so now there are no pants for me to work into…damn you Pro! When I started my weight loss journey I had a fair amount of SKINNY CLOTHES that I needed to shrink into (my New York Dress FITS! My Red Pea Coat FITS!) but now I can fit into all of them and most of them are too big. At this point I have nothing really to shrink into (Kelli if you are reading this, save any pants you have and give them to me in March when I come!) so I’m lacking in motivation.  I actually heard on the radio around Christmas time, that reasearch shows the best way for women to lose weight is to buy an outfit in a smaller size. You see I LOVE LOVE LOVE clothes! It’s probably my biggest motivation in Weight loss, fitting into more clothes! I would be a crazy Lindsey Lohan Clothing Hoarder if I could!

Tonight Mr. Gaunt and I went to Savers and I found the perfect SKINNY dress! It is actually…..hold your breath….a size ELEVEN! Yes that is right 11! I case you didn’t know, I do NOT wear an eleven! In fact a size 10 is my goal size, so eleven sounds pretty damn good. The dress currently kind of fits, but its tight, too tight to wear in public….panty lines anyone? I would love for this dress to fit comfortably this summer, its perfect for Mr. Gaunt and I’s July photo shoot! When I put it on the first thing Mr. Gaunt said was “Its kind of like a casual wedding dress” which it is, in a beachy sort of way. I really love it.

So that is my current goal, to make this dress fit!

In other news Mr. Gaunt and I have decided to go to couples therapy! Why you ask? Are we having problems? Well no not really, but there are definitely things we could stand to work on. The last year has definitely been our best year yet, but there are definitely the occasional communication struggles. Also Mr. Gaunt and I plan to get married in the near-ish future, and I want to make sure we are discussing the right things: Kids, Raising a family, jobs, roles…etc. So that when we are married we don’t suddenly realize we have completely different ideas on how things should go. Anyway we are actually going to a therapist that Mr. Gaunt and his mom have both gone to a lot in the past (although not in a few years) this pleases me because he will already know a lot about Mr. Gaunt’s family dynamic and his relationship with his mom. I’ve never been to therapy, but I sure do love to talk about myslef…ha! So we have a tentative appoint for next thursday. I will keep you updated on how this goes!

Oh and I leave you with some dresses that were cute but I didnt purchase.