Sanity is a Cozy Lie

I’m a bit of an anxious wreck right now. Which is why there is no blogging, and nothing is coming out of my mouth that isnt wedding related, seriously, I’m useless.

Tomorrow is my 26th birthday, and I cold care less, its means nothing to me. NOTHING I TELL YOU! This coming from a girl who likes to celebrate ‘Birthday week” too!

I know there are definitely people who take wedding planning way less seriously, and let lots of other people help them and let things be imperfect. Congrats to them, I’m and insane control freak.  I’m so excited though. I’m just thrilled by how many people are coming and how much fun everyone is going to have. I’m also just really excited to see my whole vision come together. I hope everything looks as awesome as I planned and that people think its unique and they enjoy themselves. I hope its the perfection I see in my head.

I just wish this anxious almost sick feeling would go away. I also wish I had a better answer to everyone’s “are you getting nervous” “what can I do to help” questions, as I tend to just ramble like an idiot and not actually say anything interesting or productive. Sleep has also become a bit…restless.

So tonight I’m going to go to bed with my lunch packed and my gym clothes waiting by the door. I will go to work, then the gym, then maybe a little birthday dinner. I will also accomplish at least 1 painting that ships this week and I will I cross off at least 1 wedding task. Until then, send me good thoughts of sanity, I’m off to make lists.

xoxo

(hopefully will be normal soon) Morgan

TWELVE DAYS…AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Woe is me.

Some days I wonder what skinny girls spend their time obsessing about.

I use to work in the fitting room at Old Navy and I use to watch all sizes of girls try on clothing. The skinny girls always had the weirdest things to complain about with jeans. “The pockets stick out weird” “I hate the color” “The crotch is too low” “The seem is weird” Seriously?

As someone who has spent many a moments feeling like absolute shit in the dressing room. My biggest concerns were usually “Do they Zip?” “Are they too tight” “Are they comfortable to sit down in?” “Are they stretchy” “Do they look like mom jeans” There was very little opportunity to be picky about things like color and butt-pocket design…puh-lease!

It actually irritates me when someone with a good body dresses poorly. The world is your CLOTHING OYSTER and you chose to dress like that?! I always felt like I could have really amazing style if I was just skinny. Alas, this has never been the case. Even when it came to wedding dresses, besides finances, the wedding dress world was NOT my oyster, and so I settled. It’s fine.

Today I am also very sad as I have recently developed a pretty sever allergic reaction to my engagement ring. After doing a bit of research it sounds like whatever my White Gold ring is mixed with (usually nickel) has now worn down a little bit of the gold and is now making direct contact with my skin. It’s been irritated for the last few weeks, but I thought it was from wearing it when I was working in the yard a month ago. I took it off for 2 weeks until it was almost healed. Within 48 hours of putting it back on my finger has a horrible rash/blister, it looks like a chemical burn, and feels just as bad. Needless to say, the ring wont be going back on.

It makes me very sad. We really did try to get me the best ring we could afford, and I was really happy with it, and now I can’t wear it. My mom said that my Grandma couldn’t wear her wedding ring for the first 40 years of their marriage. For their 40th anniversary they upgraded her ring to Platinum, nad now she can wear it.

From my research, it sounds like Platinum is the absolute best option for people who are metal sensitive. Problem is that its way out of our price range. We got our ring at Jared, and they allow you to trade in your ring for the price you paid towards something else. The cheapest Platinum band (no diamonds, nothing) they sell though is $1000. Yeah, way out of our budget. It makes me want to cry. I don’t know, I just feel like I finally had to be ok with the fact that my ring WASNT the big fancy princess ring I had always wanted, but now I can’t even wear the ring we could afford. So what, on my wedding day Mr. Gaunt will slip a ring on my finger for the ceremony and then I have to immediately take it off? Its bullshit, and it’s not fair!

Whatever. I can’t even think about it without crying.

In happier news my Bamboo Disposable plates arrived and they are amazing! I couldn’t be happier with them.

Gah. I’m in such a funk now, I’ll end this now before I just whine some more.

Friends?

I think once you are out of school, Making, Having and Keeping friends is one of the hardest things in life.

It is definitely something I have struggled with over the last 8 years since I graduated High School (jeeze). Especially now that most of my friends are in relationships, working, and even having kids. It becomes harder and harder the more we have going on in our lives.

And why is it so hard?

I guess part of it is that we are busy, and its easier to just come home and sit on the couch with the people you are comfortable with. Not have to “make conversation” or “find things in common” its just chill and easy.

Another thing is Lifestyle. When you are in highschool, besides your home life, you and all your friends are pretty much living the same lifestyle. Same schedule, same goals, same shit going on. As we all get older, our lifestyles change greatly. I have friends that are married, some with kids, some without. I have friends in School, some with jobs, some without. I have Gay friends, and straight friends. I have friends who are living off their parents, or spouses, or the government. I have friends who love their jobs, who hate their jobs, and friends without jobs. I have friends who have a strong relationship with god, or with community service, or with travel. Very few friends are living the same life style. Even when it comes down to little things like food. I have friends who only eat Vegan, or Organic, or are Red Meat loving folks.

All these different lifestyle make it confusing to mesh together. What will you talk about? Where will you go? What will you eat?

And the judgemet….ooooh the judgement. Not that we are all judging each other necessarily, but we judge ourselves amongst these people who live differently. They are richer. They eat organic, they are better. They have a happier relationship. Their house is nicer. They actually like their job. It becomes a total head game of “how do I compare” which makes any and all social encouters….awkward.

And then there are the spouses. Just because we are friends, does that mean our spouses have to be friends too? Should we always double date? Should there be a BroMance here? And if there’s not….is it awkward?

Right now I feel torn. I am no longer a Party Girl. I do not really have parties, and I do not really go out partying. However I do like a once a month or every few months, go all out getting drunk at the bar night. And I miss that. I miss getting dressed up, and dancing! Often times though I feel like my friends who want to do that don’t necessarily understand the crossing of the line. They want to get shit faced 3 nights a week, or hit on guys, or just make a fool of themselves. Which is FINE, I’m just not in that place anymore. I want the occasional Party Girl, not the Party Life.

Now that I am getting married, and have babies on the brain, I desperately want to belong in the “mommy crowd” too! And not just the mommy crowd, but the wife crowd. Women who are also a bit settled down. Women who want to sit around and watch a good Rom-Com with some wine and eat fun cheese. I want women who will gossip with me about clothing and gardening and weight loss, and holidays! Women who are into their homes, or their yards, or trashy celebrity gossip! I want a friend who will come over and do henna tattoos while we jam out to Britney Spears! IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK FOR?!!

Whoa. Calm down.

But I don’t have kids yet, so I know that puts a big kink in things. As people who have kids want to talk about their kids, and people who don’t have kids, do want to necessarily hear you talk about your kids.

But seriously. I WANT to be social. I want to re connect with my old friends and make new ones too! I want to be brave enough to invite people over for dinner (despite the fact that we may eat differently) or game nights! I want to feel comfortable in my own skin, in my house, or anywhere. I want to say YES to invitations to go places, and NO to sitting at home alone!

So that’s where I’m at. It’s hard to be social. It’s hard to be ok with yourself and with your friends. It’s hard to break out of your shell. I promise I’m working on it….really.

Does anyone else find this whole friend thing difficult?

We wont be coming in today.

This is what Mr. Gaunt told our boss today. We are taking a personal day to get some things done. I have 2 paintings that need to be shipped out tonight. One is going to Stephanie Nielson for her blogs Handmade Holiday review. I am VERY excited about this! Her blog is very popular (for instance, my blog has 45,000 views, and her blog has 800,000 views) so this could be a really amazing opportunity for us. Plus I have a stencil proof that is going in for revisions, hopefully will sell by the 12th so I can ship it out in time for Christmas.

I also NEED  a few new paintbrushes, like these…drool:

Maybe I will use this:

And then of course the house needs a good scrub down and some more laundry needs to be done.

Per my mom and my little sister I started taking 5HTP which basically is an all natural supplement that helps with:

-Anxiety

-Depression

-Controls Appetite

-Boosts Metabolism

-Relieves Insomnia

-Reduces the signs of PMS, Headaches, and Fibromyalgia.

Anyway my sisters been taking it for a year now and she swears it works. So I’m giving it a shot, along with Green Tea Pills which are supposed to help with appetite control as well. Mr. Gaunt bought me a pill-box and divided them all up for me. This morning when I woke up to go to work, and then had a complete crumpled on the floor break down, Mr. Gaunt handed me my pills and called in to work. How I love him.

I have to work my other job tonight, but that I can manage. It’s that dreaded real job that can so easily throw me into a sobbing pile on the floor.

So today will be good and productive! Wish me luck!

 

Like talking to everyone and no one, all at once.

I just got off work.

I came home to a messy house.

No real food.

A sink FULL of dishes.

Mr. Gaunt is at a friends watching football. Its his 30th birthday today.

I feel bad.

A little sad.

Always stressed.

I wish I could have a clean house and a good meal and some presents waiting for him.

I wish we could go get a Christmas tree and decorate the whole house all cute.

But it’s not going to happen, well I might clean up a bit.

I mentioned earlier that I’m dealing with a bit of depression.  I wont even attempt to explain why, because I honestly don’t know.

I’d say its working too much, but I don’t think that’s it.

I’d say its money problems. We have to pull $300 out of savings to cover rent this month. Not really what savings are for. And yes this is a huge stressor day in and day out.

It might be partially my real job, which has become the bane of my existence.

It might be that my social encounters  (due to lack of money, time, and friends) have come to a halt. As I rarely do anything with anyone my age anymore. Which is sad, especially when I hear of all my friends back home getting together over Holidays.

I know for a fact that I am anxious, and anxiety often causes me major stress which eventually leads to “hands thrown up, I give up” depression. As we are moving in 5 month, actually I’m leaving in 4.25 months. And therefore there are so many things to think about. Money, jobs, wedding, housing, family, friends, packing, roadtrip…etc. All of which is some what exciting, its just hard being in the planning stage and not the action stage.

And the Holidays, oh the holidays. I’m tortured between not giving a shit, and wanting it all to be like the movies. Do I want to spend time and money decorating when we are trying to save money and condense?  When our house is so full to the brim that one little project turns it into a complete disaster? Do I play the mom roll and insist we go get a tree, or do I sit back and hope he never suggests it either? There are days when it’s all I can do not to start packing…lol. I’m just that kind of person. I’m so excited to do Christmas back home (at no offense to anyone in Colorado) that its hard for me to do it here.

I don’t know. I’m a little lost right now, and although Mr. Gaunt is my love of all loves, I know he gets sick of hearing me talk about all of this. He is all I really have here though. He’s the only one who really knows me and my family and my goals, and never passes judgement. I KNOW that I have lots of great things in my life, and I KNOW it might be crazy to be a little depressed, but its how I feel and how I handle life at this point. I wish I felt better, but I cant just turn it on like a light switch. It will come in time.

So it’s a bit lonely.

It’s a waiting game.

Hoping for something better.

To wake up and feel good.

To be thankful.

To be satisfied.

Accomplishing life.