In an effort to improve my mental health and be more like my wonderful Husband, who is always happy and always looking on the bright side, I’m going to spend some time being more thankful and appreciative.
This is something that I have struggled with for years, seeing the Good and not the Bad. I know where it comes from, I understand the situations in my life that have given me a pessimistic or un-trusting look on life, but I would like to change it. It’s hard though. I do think that I am more responsible because of “worry about the worst” kind of thoughts, but I also spend a lot of time un able to let things go. I want to be more kind, happy, proud, respectful, without feeling like I’m being “fake” or ignoring things that are important. That is where I struggle. How can you see the good without ignoring danger signs. How can you be thankful without being walked on. How can you let go of anger and judgements but stay true to your standards?
I know that hatred and self-doubt have ruined relationships, and many experiences in my life. It’s not a feeling I want to bring with me into the future, or teach to my children. I picked Mr. Gaunt as my partner because he embodies all the good in the world. He radiates joy and kindness. He sees the good in everyone, and he returns it. Yes he has weaknesses in responsibility sometimes, areas where his “It’s All Good” mindset can sometimes get him in trouble, but he is genuinely happy. I know I will always need to be a little more “on top of my game” than he is, I need to keep things running in a functioning manner, but I also need to relax. I want to take on his eternal joy and excitement in life.
Now this of course is all very hard for me. It’s not in my nature, and I respond pretty negatively to criticism from others. I’m fully aware that there are people out there who are nodding their heads in agreement, but I’m not quite ready for criticism or advice. This is going to be a slow process of identifying my feelings, my triggers, my fears, my actions and working to change them.
Today I’m going to make two lists:
1. Things that are SO NI About Others:
(this is how Mr. Gaunt and I say “So Nice”)
-My Brother living with us helped immensely in paying for our wedding!
-My sister is going to take her hair certification test on Wednesday, and rock it!
-My Best friends Mallory and I sat and talked for like 6 hours on Saturday night.
-Jenny and Justin picked us to be Cecilia’s God Parents, we will Baptize her over Thanksgiving in Colorado!
-Our friend Drew ran a marathon yesterday, this is so inspiring.
-Mr. Gaunt understands the importance of us switching banks. We will finish our switch to the Credit Union this week.
2. Fears that are No NI that I’m Letting go of today:
(This how we say “not nice”)
-That my calves look fat in Ugg Boots (really they just look comfy)
-That my mom couldn’t go to dinner last night (she was tired and it was good for her to get some rest)
-That we have too much stuff (really we are overly blessed, and are still cleaning up from a wedding)
-That my job is boring (but I’m blogging and listening to NPR, so that’s cool)
I would also like to try to keep a positive attitude today about house work (laundry, dishes, cooking) and about my painting business! Both of which will be great as long as I get a little done every day without stress or anger or yelling.