I just got off work.
I came home to a messy house.
No real food.
A sink FULL of dishes.
Mr. Gaunt is at a friends watching football. Its his 30th birthday today.
I feel bad.
A little sad.
I wish I could have a clean house and a good meal and some presents waiting for him.
I wish we could go get a Christmas tree and decorate the whole house all cute.
But it’s not going to happen, well I might clean up a bit.
I mentioned earlier that I’m dealing with a bit of depression. I wont even attempt to explain why, because I honestly don’t know.
I’d say its working too much, but I don’t think that’s it.
I’d say its money problems. We have to pull $300 out of savings to cover rent this month. Not really what savings are for. And yes this is a huge stressor day in and day out.
It might be partially my real job, which has become the bane of my existence.
It might be that my social encounters (due to lack of money, time, and friends) have come to a halt. As I rarely do anything with anyone my age anymore. Which is sad, especially when I hear of all my friends back home getting together over Holidays.
I know for a fact that I am anxious, and anxiety often causes me major stress which eventually leads to “hands thrown up, I give up” depression. As we are moving in 5 month, actually I’m leaving in 4.25 months. And therefore there are so many things to think about. Money, jobs, wedding, housing, family, friends, packing, roadtrip…etc. All of which is some what exciting, its just hard being in the planning stage and not the action stage.
And the Holidays, oh the holidays. I’m tortured between not giving a shit, and wanting it all to be like the movies. Do I want to spend time and money decorating when we are trying to save money and condense? When our house is so full to the brim that one little project turns it into a complete disaster? Do I play the mom roll and insist we go get a tree, or do I sit back and hope he never suggests it either? There are days when it’s all I can do not to start packing…lol. I’m just that kind of person. I’m so excited to do Christmas back home (at no offense to anyone in Colorado) that its hard for me to do it here.
I don’t know. I’m a little lost right now, and although Mr. Gaunt is my love of all loves, I know he gets sick of hearing me talk about all of this. He is all I really have here though. He’s the only one who really knows me and my family and my goals, and never passes judgement. I KNOW that I have lots of great things in my life, and I KNOW it might be crazy to be a little depressed, but its how I feel and how I handle life at this point. I wish I felt better, but I cant just turn it on like a light switch. It will come in time.
So it’s a bit lonely.
It’s a waiting game.
Hoping for something better.
To wake up and feel good.
To be thankful.
To be satisfied.