Why I dont feel like a bride.

I’ll warn you now, its been a hard week, and an awful day. My spirits are at an all time low and I can’t shake it. With that being said I’ve felt this way for a while, and feel Id like to share it.

I had tentative plans today to go try on wedding dresses today with Jenny and Mr. Gaunt’s mom. I more or less ignored these plans and made no appointments. I don’t want to try on dresses, at all, ever.

To me a bride is beautiful and elegant and grown up. A bride is confident and romantic and graceful. I am none of these things, at least I don’t feel like I am.

I also feel completely lost on what “bride style” I am. If anyone remembers the Sex and The City episode where Carrie is thinking of marrying Aiden and she and Standford are looking through bridal magazines: Am I Peekaboo Bride?

They all seem a little overwhelming, a little too much.

I didn’t talk about it on here, but ring shopping was pretty unpleasant for me. I cried, multiple times. Friends of ours who were married last year told us that ring shopping was the most fun they had. That he loved watching his fiancรฉe get all girly and get to try on all the rings and pick out the one she wanted. This was not what ring shopping was for me.

First off, we had a major budget, which I have no shame in sharing. We really couldn’t afford anything, but we each worked overtime for two days and managed to put away $400 for the ring. Mr. Gaunt paid $250 and I paid the rest. Were practical people like that. However there are very few rings in the “under $500” range, and although I LOVE my ring, it was hard to find.ย  And another thing, when you go to try on rings they are all in one size, maybe a 6? And I’m a 7.75 so nothing fit. How unsatisfying is it to try your engagement ring on your pinky?..Very.

The whole thing made feel like poor fat shit. I didn’t belong there, who was I to be spending money on a ring? It was embarrassing and sad, and I will probably never do it again. Just order me a wedding ring at half.com.

I fear that wedding dress shopping will be the same. I’ve watched plenty of Say Yes To The Dress to know how they use big fat plastic clamps to try to hold some plus size bride into some unflattering taffeta mess. No Thanks! Or how strapless gowns make your back fat bulge and how all dresses are sleeveless and make your arms look huge and awful. Its sounds like hell!

And I’m trying so fucking hard to lose weight! It’s so freaking unfair! I started trying to run (which I hate) I watch every single thing I put into my mouth! I weigh myself, I drink water, I poop regularly! And you know what? I’m STILL 14 pounds over my lowest weight and even if I lose 3 pounds, I could gain it all back in an hour! ITS BULL! It’s not fair that I have to struggle and obsess and worry about it all the time and I’m still a freaking SIZE 16!!!!!!

Fair, that’s what it comes down to, it’s not fair.

money is the other thing. At this point I feel like some spoiled brat who thinks she is going to get a wedding, but who the hell is going to pay for it? We don’t have any money, and what little we do put into savings will be going to moving, not to wedding. We will be lucky to have enough just to get settled in.ย  And unfortunately no one in either of our families has money or sees the importance of paying for things like a professional photographer, or a nice dress. And I’m not saying they should have to, but is it really too much to want nice wedding photos to last a life time? Have I not shown the world how important photography is, and how hard I try to document Mr. Gaunt and my life together! DO I NOT DESERVE SOME FREAKING PROFESSIONAL WEDDING PICTURES?!!!!!!!!!!And I WANT to pay for them myself, Id just like others to support that decision and not make me feel like I’m being frivolous and stupid.

And they’re right, and I agree that I wish it was only $500 to hire a photographer, but it’s not! Most of them start at $1000-$2000 and only go up. And there’s nothing I can do about it.

Yeah and wedding dresses are expensive too! And when I go in there and they ask me what my budget is, saying $400 is not going to go over well. And no I’m sorry but I don’t think its fun to try on super fancy dresses that I can’t afford. I would never go into a car lot and test drive a Audi, same goes for dresses.

I don’t know. Like I said its a hard time right now, and I’m not sure where to go or who to turn to. you know the funny thing is, the one person who I think would be the most fun to go wedding dress shopping with, is Mr. Gaunt. I love shopping with him. He is fun and so nice, and just makes me feel like a million dollars. It may be non-traditional, but he’s a brides best friend.

So that’s the end of my rant, the plan is to drop $40 pounds and save $4000 and maybe I’ll go put a wedding dress on. Today is not that day, tomorrow doesn’t look good either.

Oh and despite the fact that I don’t like ME in a wedding dress, doesn’t mean I don’t LOVE a wedding dress. So I leave you a few of my favorites:

Yes I definitely have a style I like, and yes it includes pockets. (=

25 thoughts on “Why I dont feel like a bride.

  1. I want you to go to your “Pictures!” page and compare yourself now to what you were at your highest weight. Look how far you’ve come! Seeing those pictures were more inspiring to me than anything I’ve ever seen on any other weight loss blog to date. You have worked hard and it shows. You are gorgeous and yes, it is NOT fair that you have to work so hard to stay at a weight that is still not your goal (believe me, I’m struggling with this too and have been for the last 10 years), but you have the strength and the power to do it and can lose more so that you WILL look the way you want to on your wedding day. There is nothing wrong with waiting to try on dresses. When it comes to wedding costs, I can sympathize. My husband and I were DIRT poor when we got married and spent only $1,500 on the whole thing, including my dress. A friend did the photography for free, the bridesmaids & groomsmen just wore their own clothes, the guests brought food (yes, we had a potluck wedding!), we got married and my Aunt and Uncle’s barn and danced in their garage, and I got my wedding dress at a second-hand store (it was only $100 but was really nice for the year 2000!). But everyone thought it was a wonderful wedding and nobody seemed to care that everything had been done on the cheap. What it really comes down to is the love between you and the event will be beautiful and joyous because you are. It would be BETTER if you had a ton of money to spend on it, but the money spent does not make it or break it. I have an album with a few pictures from our wedding if you want to see what a cheap wedding looks like (note the smiling faces! That’s what I try to focus on when I see them–lol): http://www.myspace.com/vraklis/photos/albums/our-wedding/2251612

    • Thanks for the tips, I scrolled through your pics, you were a beautiful bride! Im so glad that I inspired you, and thank you for the compliments. Its hard when the weight loss slows (or stops) to feel that rush of feeling good about yourself. Its something that I obviously need to work on.

  2. Morgan – it makes me sad to read all of this.

    And just so you know – I allow for 2 small budget weddings per season and I would be more than happy to do your wedding photos for whatever you can afford. Please email me and please dont think we cant work something out? What good is a beautiful wedding without photos?

    So you know – I could only afford to pay a photographer friend of mine $100 total for shooting my wedding. If he hadn’t been able to do that for me – Id have nothing of my wedding with Ivan except a few snapshots.

    I also got my wedding dress at the outlet shop at Alicia’s bridal – it was priced at $5000 originally – I got it for $99. It wasnt what I dreamed of – but it was a dress. ๐Ÿ™‚

    Please email me. We can figure something out. I want you to feel beautiful on your wedding day and I want to make sure you have some pretty photos to remind you just how beautiful you really are.

    Love to you both –

  3. Morgan,

    I feel your pain. I’ve been frustrated too with the stall in my weight loss in spite of all the exercise I do and good eating. But like your friend said go look at your pix and remind yourself of your progress. Also to consider in a more general sense just how healthy you are now. I bet if you checked your cholesterol and liver functioning your doctor would be mighty impressed.

    And you know what else, tradition is overrated. If JJ is your fave person to shop with, then for heaven’s sake take him dress shopping with you! Another good place to look for wedding dresses is craigslist (a wedding planner suggested this to me), since wedding dresses are non-refundable a bride who changes her mind on her dress is gonna have to sell it somewhere.

    As for photography, I don’t think it at all frivolous or asking to much to want nice professional wedding pictures to look back on. This is one of my big concerns too. Another suggestion by the wedding planner I talked is this. Set up a webpage with the photographer or just on your own and have guests donate to it to help pay for the pictures. Kind of like having a gift registry.

    Also the wedding planner I talked to gave free 1st time consultations. There is no way I could actually afford to pay for one. But they can give you some great ideas.

    And if you don’t like to run they why would you? There are so many other ways to get a good cardio workout. Kickboxing, dancing, walking, rollerskating, bicycling, aerobics classes, martial arts, swimming. I’m looking into ballroom dance classes for me and Eric. Find something you like to do, don’t punish yourself with something you detest.

    Anyways, hope this helps. You are a gorgeous woman, with a beautiful heart and a wonderful man who loves you.

    • Wow, I didnt know u could talk to a planner for free. That would be so helpful, where did u find one?

      And its true, I went to the dr and they said I was very healthy, which is sometime hard to remember, as you dont always notice good health on the outside.

      And Im going to give running an honest effort, but I agree I need to maybe find something I enjoy.

  4. This made me sad, but I feel like this too 99% of the time when I think about getting married. I’m the same way as you- even though Coral HATES shopping she’s my favorite person to shop with! I think you are beautiful (always have), and when you get in the area in the spring, we can look for bargain wedding stuff together, and I promise to help you do as much labor as you need done! I’m sure a lot of us would be willing to help out what we can (if you want some cash instead of a gift, let me know!). Please know that you can call me if you get down again. Love you!

    • Oh Hilary YES I want so bad to plan weddings and try dresses on with you! If I wasnt such a crappy phone person I would call you in a minute! I may still. Im so happy and excited for you two! I cant wait to be within driving distance!

  5. Morgan!! I can’t say I know all the stresses of wedding planning budgets, as my parents were able to pay for most of it. But as for our rings, Scott used all his savings to buy my engagement ring, it isn’t overly showy, but I love it. It is simple and perfect and so special because of what is signifies, not how fancy it is.

    You are CRAZY with the ring size girl, a 7.5 ring size does NOT equal a fatty, so don’t be silly! Darcy has the hugest hands in the world, I am sure she was a size 30.

    I bought my own wedding ring from Something Silver one day while shopping with my friends. It was 13 dollars. Scott ordered his from Amazon.com for 20 bucks. They are not the most spectacular rings by any means, but they mean the world to us!

    As for dress shopping, half the dresses I tried on were too small to me. I swear they have a lot of them in a size 2 which is just ridiculous. Getting clamped in them is not bad, or just having your friend hold it up! None of the dresses you try on will fit you right while you are in the dressing room, but you are getting to try on so many pretty dresses and you only get to do it once. I would just look out for sales and hit them up girl. I got my dress at Kleinfelds (of SYTTD fame) and we got it on major sale because they were having a trunk sale on that designer. I know a lot of people who have had a budget off 200 dollars or less and they have found amazing dresses!

    Don’t get me started on weight loss. I actually went into my doctor a couple years ago and was QUITE certain I had a medical metabolism problem and that was why I wasn’t a size 2. They laughed at me, did some blood tests anyways and broke the news to me that my metabolism was perfectly fine. I am obsessive about what I eat and running and doing it all and I am still no where close to how thin and fit I should be. You look amazing. You’re dedication to healthy living has paid off in how you look, feel and the things you are now able/willing to do in your everyday life.

    You brighten my day with your blog and I envy your dedication to yourself and your man’s health. I also am very envious of your amazing cooking and art skills. You are a gorgeous, talented, amazing lady!!

    I really hope things get better and this is just a passing, grumpy day/week! You are getting married to your best friend and celebrating with your family and friends. That is really what is all about. The rest of it is just details.

    Sorry this is so long…you really struck a cord!! ๐Ÿ™‚

    • Jamie, I always love your comments. Thanks for telling me about Darcy’s giant hands…lol! Its nice to know something about her isnt perfect. And Thank you for the sweet comments, its funny that we werent really friends in highschool, because I think we really would have gotten along.

      I think you are such a perfect size! But its good to know that you too sometimes feel like somethings wrong with you…lol! I know mine is just crappy genes, its something I have to accept. For you a size 2 may never happen, for me a size 10 may never happen. It is what it is.

      PS- Im BEYOND jealous that you went to Kleinfelds! In new york? Was Randy there!???

      • Umm Randy picked out my dress for me! I was in heaven. I probably would have taken whatever he told me to wear. Seriously. Lol.

        I don’t know a single woman who feels 100% confident with their body. It’s our society, nothing is every good enough. It’s so annoying.

        I know, we were not in the same group in high school, but I am glad we are getting to know each other now! High school is hilarious, as I am teaching I am discovering now how odd young people are. I am hoping everyone goes to our high school reunion in a couple years and we can actually connect with people who we missed out on in hs! Hopefully when you move back here we can get together for a cup of coffee and I can soak up your creativeness/awesomeness! ๐Ÿ™‚

  6. Hey So I know you have tons of way closer friends who know you way better than I do, but I FEEL your struggle. I have always been over weight. The only jeans I buy are the stretch jeans from the gap cause then I’m a size 14. And also the photography. YOU ARE SO RIGHT! what is the use of paying for a wedding if you don’t have a great photographer to capture it? I thankfully had a mother who paid for the big stuff but I had to battle her for the photographer she thought we should just let any person with a camera take them… ew. I know how hard it is when you are so excited for something like a wedding and most of your family doesn’t see why you want to “waste” your money. (as I said on facebook, we live in an apartment right now which isn’t what I wanted but I wouldn’t trade that wedding day for anything)
    for the rings I actually got a nice setting which is real white gold and real diamonds but the big center diamond which would have cost as much as the setting we have made a cubic zerconia and plan on replacing it when we can afford it. So I got my dream ring for 500. I started buying decorations a year ahead and I went with a kind of vintage eclectic look so I could just go get some really cool glasses from goodwill for the center pieces. Have you tried ebay or craigslist for a dress? I know that doesn’t sound cool but you never know. Also as cheesy as they are Davids Bridal has some beautiful cheeper gowns.

    So back to the body. Every girl even the skinny ones have to have the big plastic clamps. Just don’t look at the back. I was squeezing into size 6’s and 8’s and I found two I loved. I’m sure like me you know what styles look good on you and which ones don’t but go with your gut. From what I’ve seen in pictures you are a beautiful young woman. It took me a long time to come to terms with my weight and that I just don’t think I’ll ever be able to loose a ton of weight, but once I let go of that I found that I liked myself a lot more. I decided not to try to loose weight for the wedding cause I didn’t want to be disappointed, I mean it’s my wedding why should I feel bad about myself? It’s amazing you have the drive to do what you are doing and it’s not easy it’s a battle but I hope you can keep sight of the the progress. I know it is a frustrating battle and I’m not trying to lessen that but I hope you can love yourself and the skin you are in loosing weight should be for your health looking good is just a perk. But i really don’t think I would have ever been happy with myself if I hadn’t first learned to love myself as I am, love handles and all. And just so you know, I think you are beautiful, I see no flaws and I’m sure that is how the rest of the world sees you and if someone doesn’t see you that way then you don’t need them. I am here if you ever want to talk to someone who has been there.
    Also if you are getting married in Washington State. I am just starting a photography business, like JUST got the camera, but if you are in Washington and wouldn’t mind taking a chance on a first timer, send me a message. All you would need to pay for is the printing or framing if you want a book. I also won’t be offended if you don’t want to take that chance, I know I wouldn’t have.

    • Oh and you looked so amazing at your wedding! Thank you for commenting. I feel silly complaining, because I have continuously tried to stay positive about my progress and be happy with who I am. I guess the whole getting married thing threw me for a loop. You know, growing up your picture yourself as a bride, and then one day you engaged and you don’t quite fit the picture you had in mind of what you would look like. I also hadnt really thought about ruining my wedding what with setting myself up for failure and stress. I WANT so bad to just be ok with it, and maybe trying on dresses will make me feel more like a bride and change the way I thought I should look. Thank you for your kind words, and thank you for commenting.

  7. Morgan, I understand exactly how you feel. I am sorry you are going through this right now. You are so lucky to have such a great guy by your side. You may give me flack for this, but if you want a dress with sleeves… LDS websites have pretty dresses and there are lots that are reasonably priced. So I thought I would just give you the web sight just in case you wanted to take a gander. http://www.latterdaybride.com. Hope things start looking up. Know that you are loved.

    • its so funny that you brought that up. After seeing Annie Chambers dress I looked up LDS wedding gowns and found that site! And yesterday I was in a shopping complex near my house and saw http://www.celestialbrideandtux.com/ shop! I figure celestial meant LDS (I use to date a guy who was LDS) and I totally think Im going to go in and see what they have!

  8. hey morgie, i know its probably not first choice but ive gotten really good at sewing and after looking at the dresses you like theyre all quite simple sews and i could definitely make one very similar if youd be interested for super cheap, pockets included. love you and we’re all here to help. i get the struggle to please both big fancy expensive dreams and indie diy dreams, i hope we can all make it land somewhere in between for you. love you lots and you look amazing.

  9. Trust me i know how you feel, i struggled with all those feelings last year when i got married and living in NY everything is super duper expensive. Ive always had issues with my weight and when it was time for me to start trying on dresses i was a size 12 street size and since the wedding industry has some of the weirdest sizes i fit into a size 18 which made me feel even worse about myself. Unfortunately since i dealt with so much stress throughout the entire wedding process i never lost the weight i really wanted to and stayed at that size and only lose a few inches.You could definitely find a beautiful dress at the price you want it. I bought my dress which was a Casablanca from RK bridal in NY but you can order it online as long as you have your measurements which you could probably get from a seamstress. The prices are the best at RK, my dress was originally $1200 and i got it along with my veil for $800 which was definitely a steal due to all the crystals and details it had. They have all types of designers who have dresses in all budgets. Also never rule out a style, i always wanted a poofier dress and i wound up with a more fitted style which flattered my body. Ive always heard of brides getting their photographers thru craigslist or getting a basic package from a company. Regardless of whatever size you are just always remember that your husband loves you for you and that at any size you are going to be a beautiful bride.

    Here is a link to my professional wedding pictures

  10. Hi Morgan,

    Just checked through the comments to make sure no one else had suggested this.

    It sounds really weird, but have you considered having your dress custom made in China? If you look on ebay, there are tons of places that will make a dress for your specific measurements super cheap. A friend of mine got married while we were in Korea, and her dress was made for her for under $100USD.

    Yah, the quality isn’t AWESOME, but it’s decent and they can make just about any style you want for a very cheap price. And really, it only needs to last for one day, right? I would personally prefer to give work to someone within the US…and judging from how I perceive you in your blog, you might prefer to as well…BUT, desperate times call for desperate measures. And every girl deserves to feel beautiful on her big day.

  11. Morg!

    First of all, I love you.

    Second of all, you are beautiful.

    Third of all, if you don’t get a dress like that greek looking one with the pockets and tiny straps and wear a big necklace…. immagunnabeatyouup. That dress is amazing, really, all the dresses you picked out are amazing, and I bet your sis could easily make you a dress just like that one! It would be perfect for a fall wedding, and very, very flattering on your sexy bod.

    I know you want to lose more weight, and I know you are dedicated, strong, and determined, and you will do it!! I really like all the comments that suggest to really keep your success thus far in mind and remember your health. It’s hard to keep sight of that.

    I love you!

  12. I see you have a few jcrew dresses up (they are my favorite!) and they start at $300!

    Also, I hate to be the one to say this, but I love you and don’t like seeing you taking away a wonderful year regardless of tradition–Please see how LUCKY you are to a.) have a partner that is your match in love and friendship and b.) that you can legally declare your love, sign papers, and be recognized in every state for your marriage.

    what kind of bride style are you? YOU are your bride style.

    • touche Andrea, and although the legal paperwork may be necessary, my wedding alone will be my vow to my marriage, not the paperwork. How I wish our close friends could have the marriage (paperwork included) that they want. Although Im sure a wedding may be in your future, and oh how beautiful it will be!

  13. My husband & I were both students so my engagement ring was small and very cheap. We muttered about upgrading when we could afford it. When the time came I couldn’t bare to part with it! 30 years latter I still adore it for what it means to us and because it is small I’ve worn it everyday except when I was pregnant. Many friends with flash rocks only wear theirs on special occasions.

    It makes me sad to see how expensive and stressful weddings have become and I dread my children getting to that stage in their lives!

    The most important thing about the day is saying your vows, sharing the joy of it with friends and family who love you and photos.

    As it has turned out I love the candid ones best. They show unguarded moments, the fun and laughter, they seem more real and show people as I remember them, they remind me of stories about the day. I’m the same with my sisters wedding photos and those of my husbands siblings.
    There is always one photo that is a gem that the professional didn’t get!

    The dress! Don’t be afraid of sales or secondhand. Be comfortable. It is a very long day! One young friend doesn’t recommend strapless with corsetry, she was bruised for a week (not good for a honeymoon!) and another was so poofed she couldn’t pee without help! I personally don’t favour strapless, watching brides continually haul their dress up is not a good look. So if you want straps or sleeves go for it.

    I’m fairly new to your blog and I was gobsmacked at your before and after photos. The difference is amazing and you look fabulous. On the day you will be positively glowing with love and joy and whatever you wear will make you look special and different from your everyday look.

    Best of luck ๐Ÿ™‚

  14. ok morgan! i am pretty much crying over here! look at all your nice friends that love you so much! and Tay saying she will sew you a dress! shit… that is sweet! Plus i know your mom is sososo excited to help you out where she can, gotta love her! BUT, I understand your not wanting to try on dresses that you can not even afford! I did it… it sucked! it really pissed me off to walk around touching the dresses I wanted to buy knowing that i shouldnt even look at them!! the wedding industry is a joke really! also, we need a photographer too! and $$$ cha! ching! $$$… its true! but back to the dress… jcrew dresses are AMAZING… something more amazing is jcrew dresses that are cheap! i got a Jcrew dress of ebay… originally $1,500 or something crazy (that $1,100 OVER my buget! haha) but i got it for $225!!!!!! not even joking! i have to have it taken in, but shit! you should find some dresses you love, get thier names and search them on ebay or oncewed.com. also, we got our rings of etsy, mine was $130 and Jordans was $50… our wedding bands are around $50 each. i just wanted to say that i got on your page this morning just to see all your good ideas about weddings because i think we have the same sorta thing in mind! and clearly you have a knack for finding great stuff!

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