Feeling Separated

I have apparently abandoned my blog a bit. This wasn’t really intentional, I just got busy, and for some reason for the first time in over a year I felt annoyance at posting here.

A lot has been going on, and a lot more will happen in the next year. Some is very exciting, and some is very scary.  Sometimes I feel lost and overwhelmed at all that I have to think about. I get so over worked in my head that I end up pushing everything out in tears and frustrations.

This summer is much hotter and drier than last summer, and if you know me this puts me in quite the mood. I have always felt I have reverse seasonal depression, heat pushes me over the edge. I’m also very anxious about our move, money, wedding, the works, and I’m finding it a bit hard to lean on anyone. Although I do have friends here, its hard for me to really talk with them or open up when my entire goal is to move away. I find that the entire idea of moving is pushing some of my Colorado people further and further from me. I don’t mean to create this tension with people, I’m just a little separated.

I’ve spent the last 4 years here trying to make a bit of a life for myself. I know that a lot of people think I have spent four years bitching about moving, but I feel that they aren’t really giving me credit for all the life steps I have taken here. Jobs, relationships, health, therapy, friends. I really feel like I gave it a shot, but I am ready to move on. I am ready to settle down into a place that is more my own. I’m ready to go back.

I feel rather stagnant with where I am. My job has become challenging with boredom. My health has become lulled with little change. My apartment’s flaws are slowly creeping over its perks.  Its all getting a bit to worn around the edges.

I also worried about the strengths of my relationships back home. I worry that I have caused permanent damage in way of neglect. I worry that my siblings and I will never re connect. I worry that my grandparents think I don’t care anymore. I worry that my parents have gotten so use to me being gone that I will feel like a burden being back. I mean I know they all love me, but the last four years have changed things, and now more than ever I am craving a family closeness that I’m not sure I will get back. The want for big family bbq’s and christmas’ at Grandmas. The long coffee camps with my dad, where he seems less awkward and I feel less strained. The sharing of clothes and life plans with my sister. I would have liked nothing more than to be celebrating our engagement with everyone, it just hasn’t worked out that way.

I want/need something to change a bit, that’s just the kind of person I am. I need some motivation amongst all the heat.

Mr. Gaunt and I are planning to join 24hour fitness again in September. I think we are ready to take the next step to drop the last 30-40 pounds and tone up our bodies. I’m hoping that we can make it a routine, a passion, a way of life. I’m also in serious need of purging. Id LOVE to have a big garage sale, I just don’t have a garage. If anyone want to let us borrow theirs that would be great! We just need to declutter a bit.

And so we carry on. I plan to get back into blogging, it really does make me feel better. And hopefully I will share some more food and adventures along the way!

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2 thoughts on “Feeling Separated

  1. I can reassure you on one point – though I’d prefer Dad not find out I said anything. From what I’ve heard, although Dad’s really proud of you and Forrest and Taylor for jumping out into the world and creating your realities so well, he really misses you guys. I think he’d love being able to see you more often and get together for coffee. Sorry if I’m stepping in where I don’t belong by saying this, I know I’m technically related to you but we don’t know each other that well, so it’s really not my place to say anything, but I dunno. I thought I’d mention that…

  2. first off, i also hate the heat. with a passion! it is horrible, which is why i choose to live where i do. but really, change is so hard, so obviously you’d be feeling all these mixed emotions. give yourself a huge pat on the back for even doing anything at all. i think far too often people get stuck doing things they don’t like because it’s easier or they are scared. godd for you for doing what you want even though it is difficult. it will all work out for the best, i’m sure!

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