Still this fat.

GAP: Shirt $4.99 Pants $11.99

Yesterday I went to the Gap to browse their Clearance, I don’t even bother looking at the regular or Sale priced items…I just want Clearance. I really love the gap, well occasionally they have a bad season, but who doesn’t?  As I was trying on clothes, I really got to thinking about what exactly my style of clothing is, and how I feel about my body.

Old Navy $15

I have found it a little confusing to shop these days. For one thing, I was really hoping to weigh 25 pounds less right now (although I’m never quite sure I would even be happy there) and my body is sort of awkward. technically I am smaller than I was in highschool, but I would not say my body is the same. Unfortunately my skin isn’t quite as elastic as one would hope, and everything is sort of…soft. I’d say my legs, upper arms, and torso are the worst culprits.  And now when I want to wear a skirt and tank top, it’s all I can do to not sit there and poke and jiggle my saggy arms. Sure that skirt looks ok standing there, but sit down and the thighs are dimpled.

I tried on a bathing suit at Target the other day and wanted to cry (bathing suit shopping is the devil!). My legs LOOK like they have lost weight. No I don’t mean smaller, I mean they look like if you deflated a balloon and the rubber never really returned to its original size, sliding, sagging, puckering. Now I’m on the hunt for some sort of skirt like bathing suit, I don’t even care if it’s the Grandma Style!

My friend Jason wanted me and Mr. Gaunt to go with him to a water slide park this summer with his new TINY girlfriend. I told him I didn’t like water parks (which is tough to say because I havent been to one in 10+ years) but really in my head I was thinking Yeah right! I would rather chew off my own face than stand next to your 5’2″ 100 lb girlfriend in her tiny bikini! NO THANKS! It’s tough to say whether he would even care about my not so adorable bathing suit body. But I care.

I’ve had a few major self esteem meltdowns recently. More than I have had in a long time. I had a co-worker tell me recently how he HATES FAT PEOPLE because they are lazy, and if he ever started to gain any weight he would just work out. He told this to me in a way that meant Don’t you agree? And I stood there thinking, does he not think I am fat (although I have many times seen him point at girls smaller than me and claim they are too chunky) or is he secretly trying to tell me he hates me (I kind of think we are friends)  or does he just not think before he speaks. Its like when you hear people spew a “weight” without thinking: “Yeah, and this girl probably weighed like 200 pounds, she was HUGE” and you are standing there, weighing 200 lbs and you think: Oh really, was she as huge as me?

I know some people are just stupid and ignorant about weight issues, especially ones that have never dealt with any. But its hard to be around them, its hard to feel like everyone isnt judging you all the time. Its hard not to feel like the fattest person in the room.

I want to be proud of the weight I have lost, but I find myself avoiding telling people that I lost weight. Ashamed that I was once that size. Ashamed to say “I lost 75lbs, and yes I’m STILL this fat”

And my friends who have also lost weight, who are smaller than me and STILL not happy with themselves. I don’t want to be the fattest person I know, but you have got to stop obsessing! Please be happy with who you are! Please don’t use me as your self esteem booster, look I get to pass my fat pants on to Morgan. I’m trying so hard to love myself and be ok.

Mom and Me

And I miss my mom and my friends terribly. My mom has never in a million years made me feel anything but perfect, and no one has rooted harder for me during my weight loss. Being with her makes me feel beautiful and normal. And my dear friends who I stand next to and feel comfortable with myself, even the ones that are smaller than me. Who all say such sweet things to me, and would never let stupid things slip out of their mouths about my weight. Girls that I would stand next to in a bathing suit, even if I know they look better than me.

I miss that love and support. I wish I could be with them. I wish I could feel ok about myself. I wish I didn’t work with idiots. I wish I was with my mom and this Mother’s Day. I hope she knows how much she means to me.

8 thoughts on “Still this fat.

  1. First, you need to change the title of your post to STILL THIS SKINNY immediately!

    I think you are incredible and have embarked on a journey that most people don’t dream of accomplishing and you are succeeding in every moment. Maybe you have far to go in your head, we all think that of ourselves. And pushing yourself may feel terrible somedays because you just want to be there now…BUT you have come too far to defeat yourself with your mindset now.

    KEEP GOING, you are an inspiration.

  2. morgan, you’re amazing, and i would stand next to you in my bathing suit 🙂 i love you, and call if you ever need a reassuring word or just some stupid stories about high school kids to cheer you up! (like one kid who, when everyone was working on something, loudly proclaimed “i have to poop” out of the blue).

  3. Oh honey, I miss you so much too. I have always told you you were beautiful because you are! You have accomplished something huge, and you should be proud of yourself. i know that it is a lifetime battle to feel the beauty that others already see in you. As women, we can all support the idea of celebating the unique beauty and strength that we all possess. We’re a powerful bunch if we can make sure not to get caught up in the degradation of ourselves or others. Thank you for being such a great example for all of us. I love you tons! -Mom

  4. I don’t usually comment too much on all the blogs that I read, but this post definitely required a commnent to you from a perfect stranger. I relate to your blog so much. At times the journey seems so difficult. I read your blog all the time and I am always inspired by your willingness to be so truthful. In my own blogging experience, (which is brand new by the way), I have noticed that I feel terrible having to write about NOT losing weight or about those times when I cheat and feel guilty about it. But then I think that about the fact that someone out there can relate to what is going on in my head and feelings that I feel. You are not alone in your feelings. I too feel like it is a struggle sometimes and wish that there was a fast easy way to lose the unwanted pounds. We all know that there is no such thing as quick solution. You are doing great!. You have accomplished so much and have been such an inspiration to me. NEVER give up. You look marvelous.

  5. This makes me so sad to read how you beat yourself up. You are amazing! and truely have been my inspiration. I started my journey in weight loss 9wks ago at 272 and I currently weight 245. Its hard but I have in my head that if you can do it so can I. I know its very hard to be happy with your weight loss, you always feel it should be a lesser number on the scale. But just sit back and think of all you have accomplished, its something ALOT of people never get to do. And when you look in the mirror remind yourself of where youve been and how strong you are to get to where you are. In order to complete your transformation its more then just losing the weight, you have to learn to be confident and until you reach that point all your hard work will be for nothing because you will never be happy with yourself. I truely hope you reach your level of happiness, you seem like a great person and deserve it. Keep up the awesome work and thank you for inspiring me to be better.

  6. Reading your post bought tears. I wish with all my heart I could wave a wand and make you feel better.

    I think you look fabulous. But that may be because I’m looking from the perspective of approaching 50 and dealing with wrinkles, grey hair and gravity as well as wobbly bits!

    Please learn to love and appreciate how you are. Don’t regret in latter life that you didn’t realise just how cute, perky and fresh faced with a lovely smile you are now.

    I never thought I would enjoy the blog of a stranger so much. I’m looking forward to hearing more from you.

    Take care and much cyber love and hugs acoss the ocean to you 🙂

  7. 1) I love your red sweatshirt…
    2) As I have to get all new clothes, as well, I keep wondering what my “style” is… it’s kinda fun to be able to define or (re)define yourself… and have an awesome excuse to do so.
    3) I miss you lots and lots and I’m SO proud of you for being so raw and honest, I know I have MANY of the same feelings, I’m just kinda scared to put myself out there.
    4) You get to see your momma in less than two months, woop!!! Will I be seeing you on your trip to WA?! I sure hope so.

  8. It really makes me angry the way that society has made us all feel not good enough. I can tell you for 100% that even if and when you lose the 25 pounds you want to, you will still not be perfectly satisfied with your body. I remember to this day a time in High School when Diane Uy was like “Ug, I’m just feeling really fat today” and she probably literally didn’t even weigh 100lbs. I think it stuck with me because it was shocking that even super tiny people have been brainwashed into believing they are fat just like everyone else has. I don’t know what else to do besides relish in the days when you are feeling really cute and skinny, and on the days when you aren’t, remember how many people love you just exactly the way you are and wish they could be hanging out with you at that exact second, maybe drinking slurpees somewhere with a view of the bay. Love you much.

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